Volume 1 Number 28
Happy hump day, fluffherders! Today is September 25th, 2080, and it’s the Muslim holiday of Eid al-Adha, when Muslim families dress in their best clothing, attend prayers, and sacrifice their best halal animals for meat, with a third of the meat going to themselves, another third to their relatives and neighbors, and another third to he poor. While traditionally this had meant cattle, in North America many Muslims have taken to sacrificing a meticulously raised fluffy instead.
One of my favorite dishes from Eid is seehk kabob, and a friend of mine recently tried a fluffy variety that is out of this world! It has a savory flavor combined with warm spices and flavorful aromatics, and a hint of fruity sweetness, and is perfect with both distressed and undistressed fluffy meat. Of course, if you are eating halal, you will want meat from a properly raised, undistressed fluffy.
FLUFFY SEEKH KABOBS
1 kg (2.5 WUSA pounds) ground fluffy meat. Steak is best, but you can grind in equal parts rib meat and leg meat as well. Foal meat is also fine.
For the spice mix:
2 teaspoons (6g) whole black peppercorns
1 1/2 teaspoons (4g) whole coriander seed
1 teaspoon (4g) whole cumin seed
2 whole cloves (1g)
2 whole bay leaves
2 teaspoons (8g) sweet paprika
1/2 teaspoon (2g) cayenne pepper
3 teaspoons (12g) kosher salt or sea salt
1 teaspoon (4g) amchoor powder (this requires going to an Indian shop or a specialty spice store, and is absolutely the sine qua non of this dish.)
For the aromatics mix:
1 medium red onion, roughly chopped (about 6 ounces; 170g)
2 cups loosely packed fresh cilantro leaves (about 2 ounces; 55g - you can substitute parsley if, like me, you find cilantro overpowering. Another alternative, which I happen to very much enjoy, is half parsley and half spearmint.)
4 medium cloves garlic, roughly chopped (about 3/4 ounce; 20g) (Note: I will usually add more, since I’m a garlic nut)
1 1/2 tablespoons grated fresh ginger, roughly chopped (about 3/4 ounce; 20g)
1 to 4 green Thai bird chilies, stems removed (caution: use gloves. These are VERY HOT.)
1 1/2 teaspoons sugar (about 1/4 ounce; 7g)
For this recipe, you want to use a clean, oiled grill, that is half very hot and half not as hot. If using a gas grill, turn one side up to maximum heat and let the other sit; let it heat like this for 10 minutes. If using charcoal, put all the coals under ONE side of the grill, then cover once the coals are covered in grey and let sit for 10 minutes.
Toast peppercorns, coriander, cumin, and cloves in a dry skillet over medium heat, tossing and shaking frequently, until fragrant, about 1 minute. Transfer to a spice grinder. Add bay leaves and grind to a fine powder. Transfer to the bowl of a food processor.
Add paprika, cayenne, salt, amchoor, and aromtics mix, to bowl of food processor. Process into a fine paste (about 30 seconds). Transfer mixture to a double layer of heavy-duty paper towels or a triple layer of cheesecloth. Fold towels over mixture and press gently to start extracting liquid. Lift up towels and form a bundle. Squeeze gently over sink to remove excess liquid. The remaining mixture should be dry enough to crumble when picked up.
Combine ground fluffy meat with the spice/aromatic blend and massage with your hands until completely homogeneous and slightly tacky, about 4 minutes. (Optional: for better texture, let this meat/aromatics/spices mixture rest, covered, in the refrigerator for several hours or up to 1 day. This is not strictly necessary but does make a big difference in the mouth feel of the kebabs.) (Note: do NOT use a food processor to do this. Treat this like making sausage: keep your ingredients cool.)
Divide mixture into 12 even portions of about 3 ounces each. Roll into cylinders about 15cm long and 2cm wide, and thread onto metal or bamboo skewers.
Your skewers are now ready to cook. They can also be refrigerated for up to 12 hours if covered, if your grill is not immediately ready. Make sure the grill is prepared as per the special considerations above.
Working in batches if necessary, place skewers over cooler side of grill, cover, and cook until they are nearly cooked through, about 5 minutes. (If you prefer, you can continue to let them cook through completely on cooler side, for more traditional, color-free results.) Open grill and transfer skewers to hot side. Continue to cook, turning frequently, until well browned on all sides, a few minutes longer.
Transfer to a serving platter and serve immediately.
Serving suggestions: shredded cabbage, halal pickles, cucumber slices, tomatoes, lime wedges, rice, hot mint tea. If serving as part of a five course Italian-style meal, then these make an excellent primo with falafel as a perfect secundo.
And now, on to your questions. The Foal Fryer asks:
Would you kindly explain that we are not the same entity…
Just so everyone is clear, The Foal Fryer and I are not the same person. The Foal Fryer fries foals, and while I respect his work (his book The Fried Foal is a favorite of mine), I am interested in a much wider range of fluffy meats, and not just the fried kind. Thank you.
How is this still a thing?
Well, let’s look at this through the lens of metaphysics: once something manifests as a thing, how could it become not-a-thing? Even if it were pulverized to dust, wouldn’t it still be a thing? Isn’t its thingness, if you want to call it that, permanent, even if its form and function change?
And our final question comes from Hugboxing_Faggot:
You have taught us that a fluffies mental state is critical for the ultimate quality of the meat. How does derp syndrome affect it? What about smarties that are being granted a life of limitless self-indulgence or constant rage from being denied what they believe they’re entitled to? Does pent up sexual frustration and the associated hormones affect the flavor?
Good questions! It is indeed true, as you stated, that a fluffy’s emotional condition affects the flavor of the meat. Derp syndrome, which is usually due to neuralogical damage of some kind, won’t affect a fluffy’s emotional state much. It does make a fluffy harder to manage. They often forget what “good poopies” means, and the ability to talk gets garbled or lost entirely. On the other hand, it is nearly impossible for them to think that the human is anything other than a loving and caring god. Short of actual physical abuse, they should remain happy all their short lives, and provide good meat and fur upon harvest.
Smarties are more complicated. We’re not sure what causes Trojanowicz Condition (aka “Smarty Syndrome”), except that it affects one out of every fifty foals and seems to be connected to differences in the brain. Of course, WUSA intellectual property laws make it a criminal act to investigate their DNA, so we don’t know whether there is a genetic component. There is speculation that this was an attempt by Hasbio to develop a fluffy that would gently pester the owner to buy Hasbio-brand fluffy accessories. As with most of these attempted modifications, it went horribly wrong. Because long-term suffering makes the meat inedibly sour, the only way to keep a smarty edible is constant indulgence of the smarty’s every whim, itself an exhausting task. This is why the Fluffherders Association of America strongly advises that smarties be harvested shortly after they are discovered, preferably as foals.
Finally, yes, pent up sexual frustration can sour the meat, but few fluffies will live long enough for this to make a difference. If you have breeder fluffies, then of course they should be engaging in sexual intercourse freely. Non-breeding fluffies should be harvested as young adults, or else spayed or neutered if used as pets. If you have non-breeder adults that are unfit for harvesting for some reason (such as recently-captured ferals), consider buying an enfie toy, such as a literpal or an enfie station that uses foal cartriges. (Make sure they’re in compostable FAA-recommended packaging!) Gud feels now will make for Good Eats later.
Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here.