Ask FluffiesAreFood, Vol 1 #5

ASK FLUFFIESAREFOOD

Volume 1 Number 5

Good day fluffherders, and I hope you all are having a good week! It’s time for another edition of Ask FluffiesAreFood, the advice column that seeks to answer questions of fluffherders and fluffy eaters everywhere! If you have a question, just ask in the comments!

Santoka writes:

Dear FluffiesAreFood,

I know earthie fluffs are prized for their meat yield, but is there any truth to the commonly-held belief that darker colored fluff makes for a more robust, beefy taste?

There are actually two commonly held myths here, both of which have some truth to them. There is nothing inherent to the Earth Pony variety of fluffy that yields more meat compared to other varieties; nor do fluffies with darker colors of fur inherently have different taste to lighter or more brilliantly colored fluffies. In fact, as the scientists at the Fluffherders Association of America will tell you, if you took a pink-colored unicorn and a brown-colored earth pony, both healthy and of the same sex, and fed them the same diet, you would get roughly the same amount of meat in the legs and sides, and it would taste about the same. And they would have the same quality fur, albeit in different colors.

See, Santoka, it’s all in how fluffies are treated. Earthies are less valued as pets than unicorns or pegasuses or alicorns, and so they are more likely to be raised as meat animals (and thus produce higher meat yields). Similarly, fluffies with lighter colored or more decorative fur are more valuable as pets, or are more likely to be harvested for their fur. Both pets and fur fluffies are fed different kinds of diets compared to meat fluffies. So, just based on their different diets, you would end up with different meat yields, and different qualities of fur!

Furthermore, it doesn’t take very long to change a fluffy’s flavor profile! I wouldn’t eat a “poopie fluffy,” but if the fluffy were rehabilitated and fed the diet of a meat fluffy for a month, it would taste like any other commercial-grade fluffy meat! And it is not uncommon for a fluffherder to “upgrade” a fluffy from meat-fluffy to fur-fluffy or pet-fluffy, depending on demand.

Similarly, more many a smarty or otherwise pathological personality has been downgraded from pet-fluffy to meat-fluffy. I’m not going to say that slaughtering a smarty for meat and fur is fun, but I never feel bad about it.

Ultrakek writes:

As someone who both enjoys cooking as a hobby and really fucking hates fluffies, switching to fluffies as the primary feedstock for my culinary experimentation seems like a great way to knock out two birds with one stone. That being said, I’ve heard conflicting reports about how distress and pain affect the quality and taste of fluffy meat, and would really appreciate if you could clarify some things for me.

I know some fluffherds advocate raising comfortable, happy fluffs (ugh), and humanely slaughtering them with a quick slash to the throat when the time comes to harvest, while others claim that subjecting a harvest-ready fluffy to an intense bout of physical and psychological torment before butchering results in a higher-quality product.

Obviously the latter is more my speed, so could you settle the debate once and for all and tell me which philosophy has more merit to it? And if you do indeed recommend distressing fluffies prior to butchering them, what are some fun and effective ways to do so?

This is a great question Ultrakek! And as with anything involving fluffies, it’s really a matter of taste. Fluffy meat has a naturally slightly sweet beef flavor, and that is the flavor that you can expect if you slaughter the fluffy quickly and humanely. Some fluffherders, however, prefer their meat to have a more savory flavor, and this comes from inflicting severe, acute pain on the fluffy in the minutes before slaughter. This is called “distressing” the fluffy meat.

What gives distressed meat its savory flavor is the physiological stress reaction. The fluffy’s brain releases a flood of adrenaline to trigger a fight or flight response. The adrenaline burns the sugar out of the muscle tissues and soaks them in adrenaline and lactic acid.

There are several approaches to making distressed fluffy meat, but all of them have the same preparation.

FIRST, YOU NEED TO SHIT AND CORK THE FLUFFY. Shitting can be done by pressing gently but firmly against the lower abdomen. The pressure builds up and the fluffy will empty its bowels voluntarily and almost completely. You then insert an anal plug (colloquially a “cork”) into the anus. Butchers sell these in packs of ten; they go in easily and painlessly under most circumstances, and utilize quick-sealing glue to prevent the plug from ever coming out. Please note, these corks are intended to be PERMANENT. Do not use them on a fluffy unless you are ready to slaughter them shortly after insertion. Removing them is impossible without profound damage to the fluffy’s anus and lower intestine, whereas leaving them in without slaughter can lead to unbelievable suffering as fecal matter builds up and eventually becomes dried and impacted. The fluffy will be in unbelievable pain after a few days, and will have a very messy death weeks later.

THEN, YOU NEED TO INCAPACITATE THE FLUFFY. This is usually done with a legboard, or with a skinning harness. Legboards are easy, simply lower the fluffy feet first into the legboard so that each leg is in a separate hole. The fluffy will be unable to move and thus helpless. A skinning harness is a bit more difficult, as the fluffy needs to be strapped in and then each leg strapped down. However the harness puts the fluffy in an optimal position for skinning (alive or dead).

THEN, YOU NEED TO DISTRESS THE FLUFFY. This can be done through physical distress or psychological distress.

PHYSICAL DISTRESS is as simple as subjecting the fluffy to acute and severe physical torture. This should be done carefully in order to avoid undue harm to the valuable fur. Experienced butchers will do this by simply skinning and gutting the fluffy without first cutting the throat. This requires The fluffy to be mounted on a skinning harness instead of a legboard. The fluffy experiences every knife stroke and pull, and the pain, both of the act of skinning and of the betrayal that it represents, is more than enough to make the meat properly savory.

Another option is to subject the genitals or rectum of the fluffy to searing heat, sufficient to inflict at least a second degree burn. This should be done while the fluffy is legboarded, since a skinning harness does not expose the genitals properly. Many butchers use an iron heated with a blowtorch, although some like to use a curling iron. After five minutes of suffering from its burn, you can slit the throat as with a humane slaughter.

PSYCHOLOGICAL DISTRESS also suffices to make the meat savory. The best psychological distress is to butcher another fluffy while the distressee is legboarded and forced to watch. This is the traditional way that roasted fluffy with foal sausage is made: two or more foals are slaughtered humanely while a legboarded or otherwise incapacitated parent fluffy watches. This causes the parent fluffy the worst possible psychological trauma. By the time the foals are dead, the parent is swimming in a tornado of sadness, horror, betrayal, and homicidal rage, and the meat is by then properly distressed. You can cut the throat immediately and get the properly savory flavor.

You can, of course, combine these techniques, such as by burning the parents genitals until they are useless, then forcing the legboarded parent to watch and listen while you tortue and skin/gut alive its children (which, you will remind them, are their “lastest ever babbehs,”) then moving the parent to a skining harness and skinning and gutting it alive. You won’t make the meat much more savory than any single one of these techniques, but if you really enjoy torturing fluffies, then savory meat is just a beneficial by-product, rather than being the main objective.

On the other hand, let me suggest that, as an abuser, you might get plenty of enjoyment out of slaughtering fluffies humanely. There are plenty of fluffherds who tell me that they get, shall we say, a “thrill,” from having a fluffy wag its tail and talk about how they “luve mumma/daddeh” and how fun this “game” is as the fluffherder prepares for the moment of slaughter, and continues to smile and wag its tail and giggle as the throat is cut, only for the expression to change to one of shock, anger, sadness, or betrayal, after it realizes that their daddeh or mummah has just given them forever sleep. But by then, if you have done our job right, the fluffy can’t even scream. All it does is bleed, struggle as weakens, and make whistling noises through the severed trachea, until the blood runs out and the eyes fade.

As for what to do with the meat, there are plenty of recipies in my book, The Art Of Cooking Fluffies, available wherever cookbooks are sold. Enjoy!

Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here.

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