ASK FLUFFIESAREFOOD
Volume 2 Number 9
Happy Friday, Fluffherders! It’s July 27, 2085, and time for another edition of Ask FluffiesAreFood, the advice column that seeks to answer questions of fluffherders and fluffy eaters everywhere! If you have a question, just ask here!
Our first question comes from RevMe, who asks:
Could you make a fluffy foal croquembouche?
For those of you not familiar with croquembouche, it’s a French presentation of dessert items. Literally meaning “crunchy in mouth,” croquembouche usually consists of crunchy, sweet items, piled into a tall tower. It’s very unusual to see fluffies prepared this way - but I did find one such presentation in my research!
Chirpie Croquembouche used to be prepared at the famed Il Club Fluffy eatery in New York City. This was done by taking newborn chirpies and dipping them in melted sugar flavored with vanilla and fluffy tears. The chirpies would, of course, die and cook in the process. Il Club Fluffy kept their own chirpie producing operation, usually freezing the bulk of them for later preparation, and so it was no great thing for them to divert a portion of the chirpies to be candied.
However, the presentation of the dish is what made it so special. For an extra fee, diners would pay to have a croquembouche made for their feast. Just before the antipasta was served, a sous chef would wheel out a restrained mare, wrapped in the flag of the Western United States, about to give birth, equipped with a tear harness. The guests would then watch and applaud as the mare gave birth, ritually congratulating the proud and delighted mummah on her beautiful babbehs. The sous chef would remove each babbeh and let it feed on the mare’s milk.
After all the babbehs were born, the chef would remove the tear harness and pour the mummah’s tears into the pot of melted sugar, to give the melted sugar that unique fluffy tears caramel taste. Once the mixture was back to temperature, the sous chef would take all the babbehs away, literally ripping them from their mother’s teat, and dump them in a pot of melted sugar.
The restrained, helpless mother would, of course, scream in rage and horror, to the delight of the guests.
After the babbehs were cooked, and laid out to cool, they would be shown to the mother, who would then beg for the babbehs to wake up. The sous chef would explain to the mummah, in a mocking tone, that her babbehs were now cooked, forever asleep, and would soon be nummies for the assembled guests. The mummah would then scream in rage and horror for another minute or so, to the great amusement of all those assembled.
After a minute of the mummah’s screams of anguish, the sous chef would produce a specially made cricket bat adorned with the Russian flag on one side and the Trump family crest on the other. With this, the sous chef would administer one blow to the back of the mummah, breaking the spine and paralyzing her from the waist down. After a round of applause, each guest would then be invited to administer another blow to the mummah, with instructions to direct blows to the head. The patrons would cheer with each blow, as she was beaten unconscious, went into convulsions, and eventually died. To celebrate the death of the mare and the ritual defeat of the Western United States, the guests would sing the Trump family anthem or the Russian national anthem (the melody was identical). The guests would then enjoy a five course Italian meal, including a primo of freshly butchered meat from the mummah, and of course, the chirpie croquembouche for dessert.
The entire feast cost an exorberant amount: $5 million EUSA, or about $5000 WUSA. For the patrons of Il Club Fluffy, consisting mostly of Russian bankers and oligarchs and their EUSA vassals, it was a chance to act out a political drama, relieve stress by inflicting unnecessary suffering upon helpless fluffies, and demonstrate their superiority to others. In summary, it was the perfect Il Club Fluffy experience.
Today, candied chirpies are rarely made, and usually overpriced in my experience; but you can make candied chirpies in your own kitchen!
CANDIED CHIRPIES
INGREDIENTS
400 g (1 pound) newborn chirpies, either freshly killed or completely thawed.
750 mL (3 cups) water
250 mL (1 cup) sugar
15 mL (1 tablespoon) fluffy tear extract
125 mL (1/2 cup) granulated sugar
DIRECTIONS
Combine sugar and water in a pot; bring to a boil. Reduce heat to medium low. Add fluffy tears; stir. Add chirpies, stir, and cook for 30-50 minutes. The chirpies should end up with translucent skin, but not cooked to the point where they are falling apart.
Put wax paper on a cooking sheet and top it with a wire rack. Remove the cooked chirpies from the syrup with a slotted spoon and put them on the rack and allow the chirpies to cool and dry.
When the chirpies have dried completely, roll a few at a time in a shallow dish of granulated sugar, taking care to coat each one thoroughly. Put chirpies on a clean rack to dry.
Store the candied chirpies in single layers on pieces of waxed paper in an airtight container. You can store for up to three months in a cool, dry, dark area.
Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here.