Three more hategoat stories, inspired by some of the worst hellgremlin comics I’ve ever seen.
The world is dying. Humanity has survived countless wars and disasters, but nothing has prepared them for a war against small, slow, defenseless and easily killable creatures.
Fresh from the hardest military training known to man, you have qualified to become a hategoat exterminator. One of the few elite soldiers qualifying for the job, with the rest of the applicants having to settle with becoming just Navy Seals instead.
You put on your tactical combat gear, consisting of a 15 inch serrated combat knife, a belt of grenades - two fragmentation, two concussive, a Desert Eagle with an expanded magazine filled with hollow point bullets, and a full-auto custom M-16 with five magazines of armor piercing bullets, laser sight, holographic sight, and an underbarrel grenade launcher. The grip is custom-machined carbon fiber for optimal fit, with the words ”GOAT KILLER” written on the receiver in blood.
So, you kick your door open and head out to hunt for what are basically retarded childrens toys.
You immediately come face to face with a small family of goats, consisting of a perpetually enraged billy, a beaten and abused dam, and a bunch of kids covered in varying degrees of shit and blood.
”FUCK YOU HUMAN! I’M A BOSS! GIVE ME LASAGNA AND GET FUCKED IN THE ASS!” the billy goat yells.
You pull out your pistol and shoot one of his kids. BOOM! It explodes into gore all over the sidewalk.
The goat glances at the bloody mess and then back at you. ”HA! THAT WAS JUST A SHITTY KID YOU FUCKING RETARD!”
Realizing your mistake, you then turn your gun to the meek little dam instead. She can only look at you with pleading eyes before you shoot her in the gut, ripping her in half and leaving her to slowly bleed out in agony.
"HEY! THAT WAS MY FAVORITE RAPE SLAVE YOU FUCK!” the goat yells, attacking you ineffectually and furiously shitting on your pants. Sweet justice has been served by causing a minor annoyance to the worst offender!
You take the boss back to your HQ, and drop off the kids to a local hategoat shelter. Just because they’re the number one enemy of the entire human race doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be available for adoption.
You tie the boss to a torture rack, and start whipping it furiously and mercilessly. After two solid days of torture, you start to wonder if you’ve spent enough time on this one goat.
As you stop, the goat looks at you in puzzlement. ”What are you doing? Um, I mean, I’M THE BOSS! I’M EVIL! I RAPE KIDS AND EAT BABIES!”
Your anger lit anew, you continue beating the goat. For the next month, every time you start doubting yourself, the goat reassures you that your actions are both morally justified and perfectly reasonable.
After a month, the goat finally expires. An entire new generation of hategoats has been born while you were torturing it.
With the threat of hategoats only getting worse, the government gives you extra funding to torture the next one even longer.
You are a long-time hategoat owner.
You return home with a brand new crapper comrade, once again finding all your belongings covered in shit.
”FUCK YOU DAD! EAT SHIT AND DIE!” your hategoat yells, rushing right up to you and shitting on your legs.
”Here’s the new crapper comrade. Try not to murder it too quickly.” you say, preparing to start mopping up the house once again.
”FUCK YOU! I’M SO FUCKING INTELLIGENT I’LL FUCKING KILL IT!” your hategoat yells as it starts punching the crapper comrade in the face.
”Stop that!” you yell, grabbing your hategoat with one hand and starting to beat it with the punishment baton. After years of owning hategoats you have learned to always have it at hand for random outbursts like this.
”LET ME GO YOU FUCKING SHIT! I’M GONNA KILL YOU AND YOUR WHOLE FUCKING FAMILY!” the goat yells furiously, spraying shit all over you as it squirms against your grip.
You have to beat your goat all the way to unconsciousness before it finally shuts up.
As you’re catching your breath, the crapper comrade breaks the silence. ”I’m sorry sir.” he says, blood and loose teeth falling from his mouth as he speaks. ”This was entirely my fault for being born with such a punchable face. I deserve any punishment you have in mind for my failure as a fecal slave.”
Suddenly, you realize something you had never even considered before: Owning a sociopathic creature you hate with every fiber of your being fucking sucks!
You immediately take both your goats to a specialized doctor, spending your life’s savings on an experimental procedure to transplant the legs of your years long companion to a 50 cent disposable toilet.
Get home and wait for the anesthesia to wear out.
The former crapper comrade is the first to wake up, admiring its new legs. ”Thank you father! May these legs serve you well for the rest of my days!”
Next to wake up is your former pet. ”FUCK YOU I REGRET NOTHING! GIVE ME MY LEGS BACK AND I’LL DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN YOU FUCKING RETARD!”
You wonder if your new and benevolent pet is okay with torturing your old goat, but that turns out to be a non-issue. Thanks to being tortured all its life, it has reached such messianic levels of purity that it doesn’t even shit in the first place.
You are a nice person, and love taking care of the poor and mistreated of the world.
Today you have prepared a big plate of lasagna, to take it out and bring joy to the feral herds terrorizing your neighborhood.
Find the ferals nest by locating an alleyway filled with blood and corpses. Hategoats rarely survive to adulthood due to their suicidal need to pick one-sided fights with humans, but they keep their population up by murdering each other in even greater numbers.
You lower the plate to the ground, watching as a scared doe approaches it cautiously. You feel warm inside as she takes a cautious bite.
Suddenly, another goat runs in and punches the doe with his hoof hard enough to collapse her entire skull into bloody pulp. These children’s toys are made to kill!
”FUCK YOU ASSHOLE! YOUR LASAGNA FUCKING SUCKS!” the goat yells.
You watch speechlessly as the goat shits on your lovingly prepared meal.
”I’M THE BOSS, MOTHERFUCKER! EAT SHIT HUMAN!” he yells, running up to you and spraying shit all over your expensive tailor-made suit.
”Please don’t do this. At least let your herd have some of the food.” you plead, trying to be reasonable.
The goat just laughs and spits on you. ”FUCK HERD! FUCK YOU, AND FUCK EVERYTHING!” he yells, grabbing a kid and starting to rape it right in front of you.
You clench your fists in anger. ”Stop that! Let that kid go at once!”
The goat stares you right in the eyes as it keeps raping the crying kid. ”FUCK YOU! I’M GONNA RAPE THIS KID AND THEN I’M GONNA RAPE YOU! YOU’RE MY BITCH, BOY! YOU’RE MY LITTLE FUCKING BITCH AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!"
That was the last straw. This goat is everything you hate in the world, and he’s now been rubbing it in your face for far too long. Your vision goes red as uncontrollable rage overtakes you, your muscles bulging as adrenaline surges through your veins.
You run home and spend the rest of the day seething in impotent rage.
God you wish something bad would happen to that goat.
