“Good evening America. Tonight at Central Networks we have a special report for you, concerning a little girl that some of you might recognise, because of a viral internet video.”
“That’s right John, and its something we’ve had to be careful about reporting on, because it concerns something that makes our little fluffy friends get very excited.”
“Its true Cheryl, and because they get so excited when we even say the word, we’re not even allowed to broadcast it. Fortunately, Fluffies can’t read, so we are allowed to show you the words. They’ll be appearing at the bottom of your screens right about now.”
SPAGHETTI LAND
“If you’ve been on the internet at all in the last few weeks, particularly if you’re a fluffy fan, you’ve probably seen the viral video of this adorable little girl, who’s name is Alice Anderson, and her little red fluffy, who excitedly talks about… well…”
SPAGHETTI LAND
“Of course, just hearing or even reading these words, probably brings up some difficult memories for many of you, who will remember the events that took place in Cleveland, Ohio, just a few years ago. Since then, we’ve had strict laws about not mentioning this fluffy Mecca, but a little girl and an excited fluffy seem to think that the place is somewhere fluffies can actually go, after they die. A kind of fluffy heaven.”
“But the story doesn’t end there John. We found out some background on the little girl in question, and found out that she has an amazing story. Our reporter Samantha Landley managed to get an exclusive interview with Alice and her family, way up in Vancouver, Canada. You won’t believe how wonderful this story is folks.”
“Over to you Samantha.”
“Thank you John. I’m here with Alice Anderson, her parents Carl and Suzanne, and her fluffies, Rebecca, Wendy and Humphrey.”
“Hello”
“HEWWOW!”
“Hello there Alice. And hello there little fluffies… uh huh… So, if I could start with you Carl and Suzanne, could you begin by telling the viewers at home a bit about your wonderful family?”
“Well yes, Samantha, I can. Um, Carl and I met, about fifteen years ago. We fell in love, and, about ten years ago, we got married, and wanted to start a family. But like so many couples nowadays, we had trouble conceiving, and at the time, couldn’t afford the IVF treatment, so we looked to adopt. I’m… I’m so sorry we didn’t tell you sweety.”
“So, I understand that, until recently, Alice didn’t know that she had been adopted?”
“That’s right Samantha, you see, Alice was abandoned by her real mother, and we thought it would hurt her feelings, so we kept it secret at first. Then, we didn’t know how to break it to her, so we kept it secret for longer. It wasn’t until the youtube video, with her cousin’s fluffy happened, and the police came to question us, that she found out, because Carl and I had a row, and Alice overheard.”
“I’m so sorry honey…”
“Its OK Carl. So, the truth was out. And we wanted to do what was right for Alice, but our marriage was in trouble, and we separated for a couple of weeks.”
“I can see from the way you are hugging each other and Alice that you’re now back together?”
“Yes, yes we are Samantha.”
“Its amazing, and a happy ending, to know that you’ve managed to save your marriage, and your family, but the most amazing thing about this story, is that Alice was saved too, by a pair of feral fluffies, seven years ago.”
“Yes. We didn’t know this at first. The adoption agency had never told us, and it wasn’t a story outside of Seattle.”
“It turns out that, Alice was found in an alleyway by a pair of feral fluffies, who looked after her for several days, when she was a newborn baby. Alice wouldn’t have survived if it wasn’t for them.”
“We at Central Networks managed to find some pictures of the fluffies, their owner, an Italian Restaurant owner named Luigi Dimatello, and little baby Alice. Alice, what did you think when you found out you were saved by fluffies?”
“I really love fluffies, and I have three fluffies. They are called Rebecca, Wendy and Humphrey.”
“HEWWO!”
“I saved Humphrey, because he was an orphan fluffy, so I think its amazing that fluffies saved me, when I was a baby.”
“But that’s not all folks. When we looked through the archive, we found an incredible photograph. That’s right folks, the man in the photograph, holding baby Alice, is none other than Governor Joe Quimby, then mayor of Seattle, standing next to Luigi Dimatello and his fluffies Yellow and Piglet, who are the ones that saved little Alice. How do you feel to know that Governor Quimby met you when you were a baby Alice?”
“I think its really cool. But Joe Quimby is a very mean man.”
“Haha, yes, Quimby is now running on a harsh anti-fluffy platform, in his attempt to become the next president of the United States. Back then though, he was something of a hugboxer…”
“You’re right Samantha. I think it shows how Quimby doesn’t really have any principles at all. He’ll happily hug fluffies if it gets him re-elected, but now he’s talking about this ridiculous wall between the US and Canada. Its all a cynical ploy to win votes from people that don’t like fluffies. This photograph of him holding our daughter proves that he doesn’t really believe what he says.”
“Sure. And do you have any message for the viewers at home Alice?”
“Yes. Quimby is really mean. He says fluffies are bad, and wants to kill them. But he is wrong. Fluffies are the nicest, sweetest creatures ever, and fluffies saved my life when I was a baby. Oh, and my cousin Claire says that fluffies should have human rights, because they have human DNA.”
“Really? That is interesting. I wonder what Governor Quimby will make of that? You know Alice, we spoke to Luigi, who adopted the fluffies that saved you, just before this interview, and he told us that one of the fluffies, Yellow, is still alive. Do you think you’d like to meet Yellow?”
“Really? Wow I’d love to! Can we go mom? Can we?”
Governor Quimby poured himself some more whisky.
“FUCK!” he yelled, for about the fifteenth time that evening. Taking a long drink of his liquor, he felt its fire in his mouth and his belly, but it was no comfort to him now.
“Do you want a drink Mark?”
“No, thank you Governor.”
Quimby gripped his whisky tumbler, before hurling it across the room in a rage. Glass, ice and liquor smashed on his flatscreen, breaking the thing that had brought the news that might end his presidential ambitions.
“THE FUCKING CUNT!” Quimby roared, “HOW DARE SHE!”
Quimby stood up and started pacing the room again, waving his hands in the air, and making ridiculous threats that he knew he wouldn’t act on as soon as the words left his mouth.
“I’m fucked! I’m fucked! I’ve gotta destroy her credibility somehow, or else I’m fucked!”
“You can’t go on TV and attack a seven year old girl that was saved by fluffies,” Mark told him simply. Quimby knew in his gut that the kid was right. That was why he kept Mark on his staff over the years.
“FUCK!”
“There is still a way,” Mark told him, making Quimby look up from his increasingly drunken despair. Could the genius kid actually get him out of this shit?
“My Balls are in a motherfucking VICE Mark. How the fuck do we get out of this? That god-damned photograph was your idea god-damnit!”
“There is still operation Snake-Daddy to consider,” Mark said, keeping his cool. “Sure, some fluffies are nice. Lots of people think so, even you used to think so, but that was before Cleveland. When the Canadian Megaherd heads over the border, and our networks send the images to people’s TVs and devices, they’ll soon forget this hugboxing crap. So some fluffies are nice? Who cares? Remember, they’re not sending their best fluffies, they’re ferals, and rapists and some, I assume…”
“…are good fluffies,” Quimby said, finishing the line he had rehearsed so many times, and delivered to to rally after rally on the campaign trail.
Mark’s words rang true. For every good fluffy there was a hundred bad ones. He wasn’t going to win over any hugboxers anyway, and Alice and her damned PETA activist cousin wasn’t going to win over any fluffy haters either. He just had to shrug it off as an honest mistake, that he made when he was younger and didn’t realise how much of a threat fluffies could be. People would understand that. Attitudes to fluffies had changed after Cleveland.
“I hope you’re right Mark,” Quimby said, breathing a little more easily, “I hope you’re right.”
“I am right,” Mark assured him, “And when America sees the Megaherd, they will DEMAND the wall be built. Then, the presidency will be yours.”
