Father Francisco Bruni put on his priest’s collar and straightened out his robes, ready for the day’s events. Thankfully it was a Monday so the Sunday rush was over and he wouldn’t have to deal with the large crowds, not that he had a problem with seeing so many people turning up to his church but he was glad it was only one day a week.
Still though, now that the regular crowd had done their weekly service, it just left room for the irregular crowds, as Francisco found out when he heard Mrs Carmody rushing up the pathway to his door, roughly carrying a pet carrier in one hand.
It wasn’t even 10am yet.
“Father Bruni. Father Bruni! I have simply the most awful news.”
Elaine Carmody was the type of uptight old biddy that made Francisco occasionally regret his kindhearted nature, an elderly woman who had lived her entire life in the one home, never leaving the country – possibly never leaving the city – with a permanent sour face and a look in her eye like she was looking for the slightest thing to complain about.
Francisco had had to deal with her numerous complaints over the years; the boisterous teens three blocks away from her home, the mailman who came too early that one time, how her local supermarket was ALMOST out of her brand of milk. He took it all in stride with a smile on his face and a gentle word in his heart, hoping that one day he could help her see the kinder side of life.
He never did.
Francisco smiled at Mrs Carmody as she approached him, he briefly worried for whatever was in the carrier cage she was swinging but kept his tongue in check.
“Mrs Carmody, what can i do for you this fine day.”
“I’m afraid, Father Bruni, that is is NOT a fine day. And THESE little sinners are to blame.”
Mrs Carmody held up her carrier cage allowing Francisco a chance to look inside, in the cage he saw two Fluffies, both small, maybe about 4-6 months old, a stallion called Joseph and a mare called Mary. Joseph was a soft yellow colour with a unicorn horn and a red mane, Mary was a lilac Alicorn with a peach mane, both of them were crying, Joseph draped over Mary, trying desperately to protect her from the rough handling of their owner.
“Pwease mummah, nu huwt fwiend Mawy. Mawy am soon-mummah.” Joseph wailed out, desperate for the shaking cage to stop moving.
“What seems to be the problem?” Francisco asked, already having a good idea what the uptight Carmody was going to complain about.
“What’s wrong? Did you not hear them? Filthy creatures have been… fornicating. In MY house. It’s disgusting, horrible little things have no shame. Why I found them just this morning singing about… ‘tummy-babies’ and how Mary was so happy to be a ‘soon-mummy’, naturally I tried to discipline them with the cane but they never apologised, they just kept asking why I was hurting a ‘soon-mummy’.
“I see. Why don’t you bring them inside, I’ll see if I can talk to them.”
“Please do, I can’t believe my daughter thought I’d enjoy these… LECHEROUS monsters.”
Mary cried from her cage. “Huu, nu am munstah, wai mummah say meanie fing?”
Mrs Carmody shook the cage once more before Francisco took it off her. “Easy there Mrs Carmody, I’ll just put the Fluffies in my office, then we can have a chat.”
Francisco was very careful when taking the Fluffies cage through to his room, Joseph noticed the softer movement and looked up at him.
“Nice mistah hewp Fwuffies?”
“I might do son, let me talk to your mummy first, see what the problem is.”
“Ok, Joesep nu knyo wai mummah hab angwies, fwiend-Mawy am soon-mummah nyp, dat bestesh fing fow Fwuffy tu be.”
Francisco made a mental note of Joseph calling Mary a friend and not a ‘special-friend’ before dropping in a few nuts and berries from his personal stash into their cage along with a small bowl of water. Satisfied that the Fluffies would be safe, he returned to Mrs Carmody.
“Now then Mrs Carmody, why don’t you start from the beginning.”
“Hmmph, well it all started when my daughter Peggy brought me Mary a few months ago, said she wanted me to have some company. I didn’t see the point of course but I took her in all the same, definitely a mistake, yes there were a few times when I found her to be ‘cute’. But on the whole, Mary was just grating, always asking for hugs and to play and for ‘sketti’, what in God’s name is even ‘sketti’?”
“I believe it’s the Fluffies way of saying Spaghetti. My nephew Jacob has a Fluffy himself and the little scamp loves the stuff.”
“What kind of creatures eats spaghetti? No I gave Mary the finest pet food, plain like the Corn Flakes I grew up on, that was never good enough for her, always complaining about how her meals ‘Don’t taste good’ and how her ‘tummy hurts’. Whining little brat if you ask me, I caned her over and over trying to get her to appreciate what she had, she never did.”
Francisco low opinion on Mrs Carmody was dropping even lower. “I see, now at what point did you pick up Joseph?”
“Just a couple weeks ago. Mary was whining again about wanting a friend, Peggy said she was bored because I never took her out of the house and never left the TV on when I went to my bridge club. Utter nonsense, but I figured another Fluffy might distract her enough to stop her complaining, so I got Joseph from a seller nearby, no point going to those ‘Fluff-mart’ stores and having them HOUND you to buy needless gimmicks. At first I thought that would be the end of it until…”
“Until what Mrs Carmody?”
“Until they started ‘hugging’. All the time, the two of them would be hugging and touching each other. I swear I heard them COOING at each other once. And now THIS, they’ve bred and what’s worse is they don’t even have the courage to apologise for it, they just keep asking WHY, they know why.”
“Ok Mrs Carmody, thank you for sharing. I’m just going to talk to Mary and Joseph quickly, you can stay here and… pray for them.”
“Why on earth would you want to speak to those little sinners?”
“Because I can Mrs Carmody, isn’t it the most wonderful thing to be able to hear what an animal has to say for itself?”
Francisco flashed her a coy smile before returning to his office, he had a theory about what happened but he needed to speak to the Fluffies to be certain.
As he walked into his room he was met with the sound of crying and the smell of shit.
“Nice mistah, nice mistah.” Joseph banged on the cage door. “Fwiend Mawy nu mean tu make bad-poopies in sowwy-box, bu dewe nu pwace tu make gud-poopies. Pwease nu gib fwiend Mawy huwties.”
“It’s ok Joseph, I won’t hurt her. I should’ve given you both a litterbox, that’s my fault. I actually need to speak with you both privately so let me take Mary to clean her up and I’ll talk to her there.”
“Nu huwties?”
“No hurties.”
Mary and Joseph looked at each other, both still quite nervous, but the bad smell in the cage convinced them to trust him and Mary put out her arms to let Francisco carry her over to the sink.
“Fank yu nice mistah.”
“Please, call me Fran… call me Frank.” He decided not to overload the Fluffies with his difficult name.
“Ok mistah Fwank.” Mary said hugging into his chest, he didn’t mean a few poop stains, he had spare robes in his closet.
When he turned the tap on to wash her, Francisco felt Mary tense up. “Wawa bad fow…”
“I know Mary, you won’t be going in the water, this is just so I can wet a cloth and clean your bottom.”
Still scared, Mary only nodded as Francisco wet a cloth under the warm water and gently wiped her clean of poopies, she flinched when the wetness touched her but softened once the warmth soothed through her muscles.
“Coo, fank yu fow cweanies mistah Fwank.”
“Not a problem Mary. Now that I have you here though, I wanted to ask you about your babies.”
Mary suddenly got very excited. “Ooh Mawy hab biggesh heawt-happies tu be soon-mummah, tummeh-babbehs am bestesh fing eba.”
“I’m sure they are… do you remember where they came from?”
Mary looked at him quizzically. “Dey come fwom Mawy tummeh.”
“I know, but…” He paused, trying to think of the best way to work his question. “Do you remember what happened the day before you found out you had tummy-babies.”
“Umm… Mawy pway wiv Joesep, hab icky nummies fwom mummah, den pway sum mowe, den gu tu bedsies, den Mawy hab weiwdesh feew in speciaw-pwace, woke up wiv huwties in speciaw-pwace an feew tummeh-babbehs. Teww Joesep an mummah, Joesep hab happies fow Mawy bu mummah hab angwies, caww Mawy an Joesep munstahs.”
Mary started crying again. “Huu, Mawy caww munstah by udda Fwuffies befowe, nu knyo wai. Mummah neba caww Mawy munstah tiww become soon-mummah.”
“It’s ok Mary, you’re not a monster, your mummy’s just upset and I’m trying to find out why. Thank you for telling, you’ve been a good Fluffy.”
Mary looked up at him and smiled, likely she’d never been called ‘Good’ before. “Weawwy? Mawy am gud-Fwuffy?”
“Indeed you are.”
“Fank yu mistah Fwank, yu am nice mistah.”
Francisco gave Mary another quick hug before carrying her back over to the table where Joseph and the cage were kept.
“Ok Joseph, your turn.”
Joseph bravely nodded. “Ok nice mistah, Joesep nu scawed of wawa.”
“Thataboy, and please, call me Frank.”
Francisco picked up Joseph and carried him over, he basically knew that Joseph was the father of Mary’s foals, but neither of them seemed to acknowledge that fact. He smirked thinking that he’d found immaculate Fluffy conception but the simple truth was far more likely.
The truth being, Fluffies are dumb.
Like with Mary, Francisco made sure to clean Joseph first before asking him any questions. “You seem very happy for Mary now that she’s a soon-mummah.”
Joseph happily nodded. “Yeh, fwiend Mawy be bestesh mummah, udda Fwuffies am meanie tu Mawy coz she am wingie-pointy fwiend, bu Joesep knyo betta, Mawy am gud-Fwuffy.”
“Indeed she is. Can you tell me what happened the day before Mary found out she had tummy-babies?”
“Joesep pway wiv Mawy wen mummah gu out. Den hab nummies, nu wike mummah’s nummies bu mummah nu hab skettis EBA. Den pway wittew mowe befowe bedsies. Den Joeseph hab stwange sweepie-pictas.”
“Strange how?”
“Joesep sweepie pictas make him smeww sumfing weawwy, WEAWWY gud, gib funny feew in speciaw-wumps. Joesep fowwow gud-smeww, gib gud-smeww bestesh huggies tiww wumps tickle, den sweepie-pictas gu way.”
“I see. Thank you Joseph, you’ve been very helpful.”
With a final wipe of Joseph’s Fluff, Francisco took him back over to the table and lay him down with Mary while he took the poop covered cage and let it soak in the sink for a little while. Then he turned back to the Fluffies , sitting in a chair so he was more eye-level with them.
“Ok, do either of you know how tummy-babies are made?”
Both Mary and Joseph shook their heads, they just thought that Mary’s foals appeared from thin air.
“Well, when a stallion and a mare love each other very much, they give each other a special-hug that makes their special-places feel good. When that happens, the mare gets a feeling in her tummy telling her that she had tummy-babies.”
Mary looked confused. “Bu mistah Fwank, Mawy nu hab speciaw-huggies, onwy hab nowmaw huggies wiv Joesep. Dey gud-huggies bu nu make speciaw-pwace feew gud.”
“That’s where you’re wrong Mary, you and Joseph DID have special-huggies, you just didn’t know about it.”
Joseph’s face dropped. “Sweepie pictas?”
“Yes Joseph, but it wasn’t sleepy-pictures, it was real.”
Joseph immediately covered his face with his hoofs and burst into tears. “Huu, Joesep am bad Fwuffy, gib bestesh fwiend Mawy bad speciaw-huggies, am wowstesh Fwuffy eba.”
Francisco reached out and gently stroked Joseph’s back. “Hey there, don’t feel bad. It’s not you’re fault.”
“We… weawwy?”
“Not fully. Remember how you told me you smelt something good? That was Mary’s special-place telling you she wanted babies, you were acting on instinct.”
“In-stink? Wha dat?” Both Fluffies looked at him, still confused.
“Instinct is something inside of us, humans, animals, even Fluffies, which tells us what our bodies need. Like when you’re hungry, your instincts tell you to eat something, or when you’re tired, your instincts tell you to go to sleep. In this case; Mary, your body was telling Joseph that you were ready to have babies, so Joseph’s instincts told him to give you special-huggies, however that same instinct also meant he was gentle with you, because he’s your friend and he loves you.”
“Joesep wub Mawy?” Mary looked over at her friend, still crying over how he treated her.
Joseph nodded. “Joesep wub fwiend Mawy, nyo knyo Mawy hab Joesep’s tummeh-babbehs, Joesep wan wub speciaw-fwiend Mawy.”
Mary smiled and waddled over to her new mate, giving him a big hug. “Coo, wub speciaw-fwiend, gun be bestesh daddeh.”
“Coo.”
Francisco smiled at the happy couple. “I’m glad you two have decided to make the best of this, but you both need to understand something that your mummy should’ve explained to you. Just because your instincts tell you something, doesn’t mean you should always listen to them. Joseph, just because you smell something good from Mary’s special-place does NOT mean you give her special-huggies. Now that you know what they are you BOTH need to say yes before you have any. And Mary, if you want to have more foals, you need to ask your mummy first and if she says no then that means NO, foals are wonderful things but sometimes humans don’t have a place to put them all. Make sure you ask FIRST before having special-huggies.”
Both Fluffies nodded, Francisco wasn’t sure how much they understood but at least the basics were out of the way.
“Alright, you two stay here, I’m gonna go talk to your mummy for a moment.”
“Ok mistah Fwank.”
Francisco gave them both a quick scratch before heading back out to the main hall of the church, finding Mrs Carmody in one of the pews praying away.
“Mrs Carmody, I have good news.”
“What? You’ve sorted out Mary’s wicked ways?”
“Nothing so drastic, It turns out there was a simple lack of sex education, Joseph was drawn in by her natural pheromones and acted on instinct, neither of them knew they had… been intimate, they just thought that Mary’s foals appeared from nowhere.”
The fluster on Mrs Carmody’s face was almost comical. “But that’s… that’s… preposterous, that’s absurd, what kind of creature would have… intercourse without even realising that’s what they’ve done.”
“Well, humans for one.”
“Excuse me?”
“It’s true Mrs Carmody, I’ve seen countless young mothers who lacked the necessary knowledge to know what sex is until they were already pregnant. It’s an unfortunate side-effect of the abstinence only teachings we drill into their heads where humans don’t have a good grasp on what sex is, but they know if feels good. That’s what has happened here, neither Mary nor Joseph were aware of what ‘special-huggies’ were, just that it felt good and instinctively they acted upon those impulses. The only difference here is that Mary is overjoyed to be a mother and will love each and every one of her foals.
Mrs Carmody scowled at him. “That may be what you believe Father Bruni, but I for one find this to be unnatural and disgusting.”
“Actually I think that having children is the most natural thing in the world, humans have been doing it since the dawn of time, why not Fluffies?”
“Because they’re… they’re Fluffies. These little fluffy toy things should not be able to breed.”
“No, Mrs Carmody, they should not, that was a mistake on their creators but the fact is they do, and if you’re not ready or comfortable enough to take the responsibility to teach them safe sex, then I recommend you surrender them to someone who will.”
Mrs Carmody huffed once more. “Fine then.”
And she turned around and stormed out of the Church, not looking back even as the door closed behind her.
“That went better than I expected.” Francisco chuckled to himself before heading back to his office, finding Joseph hugging Mary as they sung together.
“Daddeh wub babbehs.”
“Mummah wub babbehs.”
“Bestesh babbehs”
“Gun wub yu aww.”
The sound of Francisco laughing alerted the Fluffies to his arrival, Joseph let go off Mary and trotted over to the edge of the table.
“Mistah Fwank, fank yu fow hewping Fwuffies weawn bout speciaw-huggies, Joesep stiww feew wike bad-Fwuffy, bu Mawy stiww wub Joesep.”
“I’m glad to hear that, we all mistakes Joseph, just so long as we learn not to make them again. But listen guys, I have some bad news your mummy says she doesn’t want you anymore.”
“OH NU!” Both Fluffies cries out. “Is coz Mawy am munstah?”
“No Mary, I think it’s your mummy who’s the monster, she wasn’t ready to take care of you but blamed that on you instead of herself. But don’t worry, I’m going to help you find a new mummy, and I think I know where to start.
Francisco quickly gave the pair some more nuts and berries before picking up his phone and dialling Peggy Jessop, Mrs Carmody’s daughter. After one too many complaints from the neighbourhood, Peggy had given Francisco her number in case of emergencies, this felt like a borderline emergency.
“Hello?”
“Hi Peggy? It’s Father Bruni from your mother’s church.”
Francisco could hear all the joy escape from Peggy’s breath. “What’s she done now?”
“Nothing too drastic, perhaps. She came to me this morning complaining about her Fluffies, apparently they had mated and she wanted… I’m not quite sure what she wanted, maybe she was expecting a little more fire and brimstone.”
“For FUCK’S sake. Sorry Father, I didn’t mean to curse.”
“Don’t worry Peggy, I won’t tell anyone.”
“Thank you Father, but I did warn her about this. I told her, I TOLD her, if she was going to get another Fluffy to be friends with Mary, then either get another female, or get a fixed male because they WILL hump and she’s gonna freak out when they do because she’s an uptight bit… sorry again Father.”
“It’s quite alright, your mother DID in fact freak out. And strictly between us, it’s her own fault, neither Mary nor Joseph even knew what sex was.”
“Typical, ah well who knows, maybe leaving that house is the best thing for them. I take it you want me to come pick them up?”
“Well I was calling to see what you want done with them, if you can’t take them then my nephew Jacob’s friend is a Fluff-Mart Manager, I could take them to her.”
“No, no, we’ll take them. It’s my fault they’re in this situation in the first place, only right that I help them out of it. Only thing is we’re still setting up the final touches on the new house, would you be ok to look after them for a week, just until we’re up and running?”
“Not a problem Peggy, give my best to Kevin and Luke.”
“Will do, thank you Father.”
“Anytime, just call if you ever want an update.”
The two of them exchanged a few more pleasantries before hanging up, Francisco looked over at the happy couple, now officially in love and a happy to be parents. He thought about how all it took was a little education and all their problems were solved, he thought about how the Fluffies took on their new found information with gusto while their human owner refused to accept it.
Who are the real dummehs? He wondered to himself before he put down the phone and went over to tell them the good news.
I was inspired by some of the latest chapters of Abandoned Angel in which a pregnant occurs due to natural instinct and lack of education and I wanted to write something in which someone who doesn’t expect Fluffies to breed, suddenly has a pregnancy on their hands.
I doubt I’ll come back to this, I’m happy to leave this as a one-off story, but if the mood takes me, I might pick back up with Francisco and the Fluffies at some point later.
