Day 9: Tuesday.
7:45: Picked up a new fluffy. Cream colored Pegasus. I felt guilty so I bought a flying harness to keep him entertained.
The clerk recognized me and offered to sign me up for the abusers special. Fill out some information and receive a loyalty card that grants 15% off if you get a new fluffy within two weeks of the last one. I don’t know what is worse, the existence of the plan or the fact that she thought I was an abuser.
I decided to name the fluffy Icarus, and just to keep from tempting fate I set up the flight harness well away from any lamps or heat source. The design was simple, there was a small curved tripod made out of plastic with a harness hanging from a small motor on the top. I’ve seen similar designs for baby mobiles. There were loops for all four legs and another around the belly to keep Icarus fully secure. Once strapped in the fluffy would slowly swing around in a three foot circle a few feet off the ground.
Icarus loved it! He kept fluttering his tiny little wings and squealing “Icawus fwy! Icawus fwy!”. I took him off after about 10 minutes, which proved wise as he immediately ran to the litterbox and emptied his bowels. I can’t imagine how bad it would have been if he was slinging around and a rocket jet of shit covered the room. The swinging tired him out and he went to lie down with a “You’re the best daddieh, wuv you”. My heart melted.
Day 10: Wednesday
3:45 AM. I work to the sounds of rustling and a squeaky voice saying “Daddeh look, Icawus fwy! GHRK”. I ran out to see the fluffy somehow managed to pile up his bedding, toys and bowls and climb up to the harness. What the fluffy wasn’t able to do is put the harness around his body. Instead shoved his head into one of the leg loops and jumped, snapping his neck.
I’ll leave the body for the morning. I’ll have more energy after sleep. Assuming I can sleep.
8:24 AM. Sometimes you have to appreciate the little things. By some fortune all of the postmortem shit landed in the water bowl so cleanup was easy. I’ll pick a new fluffy up after school.
4:45 PM. Spent half my grocery money on fluffies so I am down to ramen noodles for the week. Picked up a fluffy. Blue earthie with a green mane out of the bargain bin. This time, when the fluffmart rep asked if I wanted to insure my fluffy for 13.99 per month I said yes.
I named this one Botheus after the philosopher in this weeks chapter. He saw my ramen and started shouting “Bowthius Demand Sketties!”. I tried to explain that ramen wasn’t spaghetti but he kept demanding it, even taping his foot and puffing his cheeks out. I finally scooped some into his bowl just so he’d leave me alone while I studied. He liked it well enough, even though I heard a few grumbles about needing sauce. Hope I didn’t get a smartie.
Day 11: Thursday.
[Customer 24601] Hi, I would like to get an insurance payout due to the death of a Fluffy. I found him drown in the water bowl this morning. Policy number 3263827
[FluffMart Rep Tina] Ok I would be more than happy to assist you.
[FluffMart Rep Tina] Your case has been denied. Please make sure to pay the remaining 12 minimum payments to avoid extra fees.
[Customer 24601] What? It was your company’s water bowl, I followed the placement and fill instructions to the letter, you didn’t even ask any questions, how can you deny it?
[FluffMart Rep Tina] Page 3 subsection 5 of our policy excludes any death attributable to “Act Of God”. Since fluffies are considered Godless abominations and a direct slur against God’s glory any time a fluffy dies for any reason it is an act of vengeance by God and therefore deniable by said clause.
[Customer 24601] Seriously?
[Customer 24601] Is there any case that would cause you to pay out?
[FluffMart Rep Tina] Not that I am aware of. No.
Customer 24601 has left the chat.