Fluffing Off - The Merchant Shall Inherit The Earthies (By Thk)

Dear Sandra Phillips,

Congratulations again on your inheritance of 47% stake in Güd Earthē and the successful transition to us becoming an LLC, and my condolences on your late father. My apologies for the lateness of my response, but I was unable to fulfill your request for the company history and viability of the current marketed products nor secure contact with you these last two weeks. Such information is classified and subject to a tangle of NDAs as you will soon see. I had been consulting the company legal counsel on a path forward when news of your acquisition of an additional 5% stake from your uncle came to me. With that your initial e-mail was sufficient for information gathering purposes. I am unable to access the financial records for a detailed account, but could access information available to stakeholders and non-classified material available to the Board.

The primary company product is the various proprietary breeds of Gardenfluffies, having been bred carefully by your father as well as scientists across the company history. Indeed, it was due to Güd Earthē copyright filing that Gardenfluffies were recognized as a variant mutation by the International Fluffranchers Association. Though other Gardenfluffy breeds exist, Güd Gardenfluffies are the industry standard and we are proud to be the only company producing specialized breeds.

Sales pitch aside, the company origins begin with your late father, who was a freelance Fluffy rescuer and relocater in Toronto, Canada. He was called in to remove any local herds following purchase of land by a small creek by a developer. When there he discovered several Fluffies who seemed to be so dirty they grew moss on their backs. Ever the curious man, your father gathered as many as possible and kept them at his home where he could research them. He discovered their fluff contained grooves where moisture from the air and sweat collect, and was slightly sparser but much thicker than that of most breeds. Eventually it was discovered these Fluffies were descended from the Wind Witch Fluffy (or Tumblewuffy) breed, adapted for surviving the deserts of North America as their fluff dissipates heat while trapping moisture. Somehow the breed made their way further north, possibly from the Cleveland Incident, and adapted to the environment. They were observed feeding on the algae, mosses, lichens, and insects which dwelled in their fluff during mutual grooming practices. While young these Fluffies were observed rolling around in their own filth, ensuring that other Fluffies and many animals left them undisturbed though their diet of primarily plants and insects left it noticeably far less acrid than that of their kin. As the plants on their backs matured they relied on each other to smear dirt and feces on themselves. The survivability of these Fluffies was drastically improved with a recurring food source. Furthermore they were observed to be far more cooperative than other variants, exhibiting little hostility towards one another and sought to “improve” each other’s colors with physical affection to spread fluff flora.

Though initially interested in finding weaknesses in these Fluffies to exploit in discovery and removal, finding that the “Poopie” of the herd who was subject to constant hugs and nuzzling to recolor her green had resulted in the pollination of the small flowers on her back. Your father’s interest was piqued according to his diary notes, and soon he realized it was a strawberry plant when one began growing from her back and hanging over her face. The Smarty of the herd consumed it within days, and decreed that the Mare was to be given additional comfort; your father soon discovered this was not an uncommon occurrence, and Fluffies who produced fruits were granted a saint-like respect.

Here is where his breeding began. At some point his personal journals and notes, with redactions, were scanned and made available to R&D (personal photos were included as well as many things that can fairly be considered company secrets, so I suggest immediate redactions and/or removing the information from the shared server as well as a review of what baby pictures of yours you want employees to have access to). One of his earlier interests was building a brand with exclusively earthtone colors of dirt and grass and improving their durability. He began by using “shit factories”, severely disfigured breeder females used by color mills and discarded when they begin to produce mostly dingy colors and browns that are considered unattractive and unsellable for profit.
Your father formed a fairly complex understanding of Fluffy physiology from these breeding attempts through repetition. His notes are largely clinical with the odd thing is here and there, such as noting a Mare’s favorite color in order to provide her with more things of that color to look at and of songs the entire group enjoyed on the radio. He discovered that the Shit Factories when stress free, entertained, and given time between breedings will return to producing attractively colored Foals. This “fallowing rest” is not practiced by mills or most amateur breeders, rendering it still a somewhat open company secret. He shared these techniques with friends that ran amateur mills, who would later invest and provide startup capital in this company. He reminded himself of this fact often in his journals in order to motivate him to not make assumptions or to metaphorically relate Fluffies to horticulture.

Notably he determined the functionality of genes in Fluffy lineages. In particular the earthtone-causing recessive X gene (will only manifest in males) that results in their offspring inheriting a de novo color mutation (a mutation that will not pass on genetically, altering the colors of only that generation but passing on the recessive X to future fathers). It took him a mere eleven years to theorize, discover, and isolate traits that the rest of the world only considers an unlikely theory. Based on observances of the practices of other companies this data is rare, presumably due to most assuming standard animal genetics rather than approaching Fluffies by rediscovering and reevaluating knowledge. If you may pardon my shilling tone, its possible that the starting focus of the company based on discovery and curiosity in mind, rather than chasing color trends and beginning with the end result and only striving towards efficiency in attaining it, could be our greatest advantage.

With an awareness he only had to select brown males then have one buffer generation your father was able to ensure his intended price and availability ratio of 2:1 that we maintain even today.

The rest of your father’s work was into producing Fluffies capable of growing more diverse plants. With males as purebred Gardens the female could be anything, simplifying many breeding practices though he noted some difficulties integrating other recessive X traits.

At present this company produces and sells the following variants:

Fluffus Hortis Abelus “Prototype Gardenfluffy”
The initial breeding experiments, of mostly pure Feral line. Genetic samples from each generation after the third, where the implications for sale was realized, were kept. Every pre-market Gardenfluffy falls under this classification. During this time Hasbio was in dire financial straits, and in exchange for simply acting as an expert for the defense in the eventual trial over the Cleveland Incident your father was granted complete no-strings-attached ownership over all breeds of Gardenfluffies derived from the first generation. Abelus was copyrighted in the eighth generation. Pre-8e Abelus, which either belongs to Hasbio or the public depending on the courts, is quite literally guarded by a small army of security. Thus I can provide no assessment of them.

Fluffus Hortis Kainus “Gardenfluffy”
The first licensed and sold Gardenfluffies. Unlike the implications of the namesake, Kainus is far less aggressive than its already good-natured predecessor, the reconditioning of programming via breeding coming into its own midway through the Kainus line. Hellgremlining is rare, though it occurs as the result of trauma. Smarties take far less effort to transform into Smarty-friends though they tend towards unimpressive in intellectual capability compared to the average Smarty.
“Bestest Baby” is a condition of spoiled entitlement of one to three Foals (one being dominant in every case) which leads directly to far worse behaviors, caused simply by receiving more than their siblings or even just by being informed that they are the best. Thankfully Bestest was noted to have the opposite effect in Gardenfluffies, causing them to be (as your father put it) a “Shrinking Violet” who requires additional attention and encouragement to maintain standard healthy behavior lest they become lethargic. Though the Wan Die Loop (a state where Fluffies allow themselves to waste away or actively seek suicide) is rare ordinarily, Bestest Gardenfluffs can reach it simply by being treated like a normal Fluffy. They instinctively cooperate and stay together far easier than other breeds, and your father theorized it stemmed from a feeling of Imposter Syndrome. This trait can be conferred at any point in life, by mates or humans even. It represents one of the few major problems with Gardenfluffies compared to ordinary Fluffies.
Unfortunately Alicorns are not considered as valuable as standard pet breeds; rather than adding zero(s) to the cost, they sell on average for a mere double unless the color combination is particularly amazing. This is unfortunate due to the general acceptance of Alicorns among Gardenfluffies. The highest profit sales tactic is in utilizing an Alicorn as a Smarty-friend by training them from birth for the role alongside their intended herd, which are all sold together as a bundle.

Fluffus Hortis Besus “Potting Fluffy”
Mixing of Hortis Kainus with Microfluffies produced small Gardenfluffs, sold as planters and seed starters.

Fluffus Hortis Hebes “Irrigated Fluffy”
A mix of genetically defective Bowl Fluffy and Hortis Kainus, Hebes has an indent in its back due to a chunk of cartilage protecting its spine, like a soft turtle shell beneath its skin. The standard Bowl has this bone forming an arch on its back, though the defect reverse-bowl is somewhat frequent of in cases of severe inbreeding. Survival is rare as it often interferes with the spine. Turtle-variant Bowls with bone plates instead of cartilage are prohibited in many counties, states, and countries and demand for a harder to kill Fluffy is low so they are generally destroyed at birth (thank our legal team for officially classifying ours as an entirely new breed, which set a precedent for divorcing ours from their ancestors).
The progenitor was a Pillow’d (limbless) male turtle-variant named “Kurma” who was surrendered to a shelter by a manager at the mill he was produced in after he was used as a “stress toy” by linemen for part of their lunch break. Your father maintained contacts with shelters and exterminators to bring variants to his attention, and he became quite enamored with this Fluffy due to pity. In the portrait of him used on wikipedia Kurma is actually visible on the table next to him (beneath the purple Gardenfluff directly to the side of his left hand, though it should be noted that Kurma was dead by the time that portrait was painted and as far as I am aware he was not used as a taxidermy). Your father’s notes indicate Kurma’s penis had been severed, and prostate stimulation was required to bring him to orgasm. This practice is now standard with experimental Fluffies, as only full Gardenfluff lines are allowed natural breeding though exceptions were made by your father for his favorites. This ensures the ability to collect and disseminate (no pun intended) samples for use and evaluation. Use of penectomies on is also standard on all but the best behaved subjects in order to create a reward system, as males who have lost the power to copulate accept their position of dependance. In the case of asexuals (not uncommon among neurodivergent or traumatized variants) whatever practice is more convenient for compliance is used.
Prototype Hebe Fluffs were later crossed back with the Wind Witch variants to create a breed with fluff that retains water which combined with their bowl allows for water to remain on their back. The actual amount of water stored is low, but the advantage of Hebes is their ability to be trained to return to a footplate-based device we sell in order to refill the water on their backs before returning to the place where they get the most sunlight. The natural desire for both moisture and warmth in Hebes ensures training is more officiation of the practice they will naturally conduct.

Fluffus Hortis Demetus “Fluffula Trees”
As the name implies they have seasons of growth followed by barren ones where their fluff rots. They are already a very large breed to the point of larger examples being mistaken for sheep, and their fluff size can grow to double their size. This allows more complex plant growth with deeper roots, though ladders are required for harvest and pruning. Most Demeters experience fluff loss similar to losing a winter coat, leaving them mostly bald as new fluff grows in with the shedding occurring every five years though the first marketed Demeters were yearly. The bottom of a Demeter’s entire body is fluffless. The fluff of Demeters makes for effective nutrients for planting trees, though due to the high nutrient content and tendency for insects it is not recommended for potted plants. Demeters are known as a “hot” breed, their fluff insulating its contents and allowing the manure in their fluff to quickly undergo thermophilic change into compost. To enable survival the ears of Demeters have gradually increased in size of the years, giving them the “Fluffybun” nickname, as well as the aforementioned bald bilge side. The respiration rate trends lower as well, providing Demeters their longer natural lifespans.

Fluffus Hortis Titanius “Shroomffies”
Though your father endeavored to create a mushroom Fluffy by himself it was only recently that the research team make a breakthrough.
Mushroom growing conditions are anathema to Fluffies; they require dark, damp, and decay. The breeding required to create Fluffies accepting these conditions naturally was a long process, and it relied on taking on victims of severe generational abuse which your father was, if I may, too soft-hearted to search out in the first place.
“Litter-pals” are Fluffies designated for misery, usually due to unpopular colors, sold by companies specializing in abuse (though Hasbio popularized the idea in a poorly thought-out move to mass market them and still sells kits to create them via their specialty catalog). They are castrated or given hysterectomies, Pillow’d, and sealed into plastic boxes with only their face exposed. A seal around their neck ensures no smells emanate from their defecation, and most have a heat indicator which changes based on the heat from decaying matter within the box in order to show when to dispose of the (almost always still living) Fluffy. Their purpose is to consume the feces of other Fluffies (a purely abuse variant due to inefficiency) or to act as a living bidet. In the latter case some breeders created high end variants with Fluffies more readily accepting of the practice, saving the company money on the plastic and heat sensors. One particular breeder that was willing to part with his stock, though information on the exact nature of the deal is not available to me and may have been off the books so to speak. A small portion of our website referencing it as a rescue sale was erected however, likely to preempt blowback. Murkier is information on the other breeds used as there is a lack of paperwork regarding them, and there is apparently an ongoing effort to improve them which renders the research notes beyond my grasp. I can only speculate that the nocturnal Fluffies found in some hotter climates were involved, and possibly Fluffies accustomed to dwelling in marshy areas. Thankfully I was able to secure one of my own for the purpose of this report, and will return or keep her at your discretion. I abstained from naming her just in case.
The Titanius variant of Fluffy shows a desire in accumulating even worse filth in its fluff than average Gardenfluffies, recognizing it as a survival tactic to complete its job and to ward off predators and abuse. When I attempted to clean her in order to examine her fluff and skin she panicked and shrieked incessantly, believing that cleanliness meant being eaten by “monsters” that she could not elaborate on. It should be noted that she enjoys water. Once clean she immediately rolled around in her designated litterbox then politely but urgently requested a trip outside to the mud in my garden. Her fluff seemed to be so matted and tangled that it formed a barrier between her flesh and the rotting material, though she was accustomed to the heat it caused and shivered until I warmed her up with a blanket and my body heat. I had initially believed Titanius to be mentally deficient given the lack of demands or expectations of things like a name or toys and a generally robotic demeanor, though the trembling in my arms and cautious declaration of happiness leads me to believe they are either trained by our department to expect misery or their breeding has diminished the programming that causes them to be needy.
I utilized an old shed in my yard as her living space, provided trays of rotting vegetation and quality compost, a heating pad, and a large but shallow pool. I applied the “sampler starter kit” spore pellets by nestling them into her fluff as a Foal might be found. While I initially left her a television she complained about the light so I replaced it with a wireless speaker instead. After a week she was growing a (rather disturbing looking to my eyes) plethora of mushrooms out of her back and side fluff. I have no taste for mushrooms and was unsure of their safety due to losing the packet explaining the differences and was confused while looking them up, so I fed them to her instead. She seemed to enjoy them. I purchased another kit, this one of some form of sweet mushroom that sounded interesting and am awaiting them to mature.
Information available to me indicates they sell as well as our other brands, though curiously I could not find any examples of marketing for them outside of magazine advertisements.

Fluffus Hortis Dionysius “Vinefluffs”
A descendant of the rare breed of “Fluffsaurus”. For context, it is unknown what animals and in what ways were part of the creation of the first Fluffy breeds. They present strange characteristics during mutations. One of these is a ridge of spinal plates which seem to be a continuation of Unicorn horns down to the base of the tail. Poorly trained Unicorn mothers attempting to purge them usually fail due to the pain of attempting to stomp out the Foal, providing them a higher population than the more common Alicorn. It is a popular and expensive mutation, which is too prohibitively expensive to secure a breeding stock but does not have high enough returns due to availability to make investment lucrative quickly, so they often remain a single rare and lucky variant for breeders. Within breeding circles there are expressions centered around harming a Fluffsaurus which equate to the idea of wasting an opportunity or being ungrateful for fortune.
Your father almost bankrupted the company around the time you were ten years old in order to secure the only breeding stock of Fluffsaurus known. With careful mixing he was able to create Dionysius Fluffies, which possess between one and four spinal spikes. These can be used as a trellis or attachment point for a larger one, allowing easier cultivation of climbing plants.

Fluffus Hortis Atlus “Bush Fluffies”
Atlus Fluffies are Gardenfluffies who were selectively bred throughout your father’s life for size, strength, and for lack of a better term, sloth. He imagined them early on as one of the appeals of the variety, though it took thirty years to realize. Atlus Fluffies are the result of mixing personality traits favoring calmness and general relaxed attitudes with large breeds and breeds with thick fluff. Surprisingly the Demetus is not part of its lineage, the two breeds developed alongside each other. The results are best summed up by the article in Fluffbreeder Quarterly when they were first announced.
“What I beheld in the Güd Earthē showcase was a monstrosity, a deviation from god’s plan which he cannot blame the agents of hell for. Surreal in every way, from movement when it sees fit to move to proportions on the rare occasions it stands, yet instantly recognizable. In it I see the potential for every Fluffy and in every Fluffy I see the failure of our narrow vision in working towards what simple dye, glitter, and prosthetics could accomplish. A warhorse, a pig, and a topiary all in one. Most unnerving was conversing with it. It obeys commands without complaint, preferring simple sounds to speech. There was no boredom in it, no wistfulness or sadness. It looked slowly around the room during the presentation, and I suspected it to be Derped, a dullard meant to imply good behavior not present in the breed. When it was my turn to inspect I choose to speak to it rather than inspect its teeth and nostrils, and dear god in heaven it sounded not like a babbling child but like a husky-voiced adult man. It retained the Fluffy dialect, which kept my rationality grounded as I asked it questions. It spoke simply, though I can hardly recall the details as I made the mistake of asking what it thought about the showroom and why it wasn’t bored. What came was a slow but unending torrent of dialogue as the beast told me a story. One clearly tangled together with many others in its kind as it referenced airports, freeways, parking lots, a lab, a ranch, and things I recognized from television computer shows that premiered this month! The beast, which I say without correction as these abominations were somehow classified by Güd Earthē’s heathen lawyers as animals despite being even further from it than real Fluffies, entertained itself longer than I could by daydreaming. These things never should have been made. Fluffies were a mere mistake, these wretches are a sin. With all that said, I ordered the usual three that I do of superior breeds: the pet, the test subject, and the ‘toy’.”
Atlus Fluffs remain a big hit every year and are considered a high end luxury item equivalent to a watch that costs a month salary for my pay grade. The classification as an animal was necessary, as the greased palms needed was a faction of what the lawsuits could be. Atlus has the strength to carry an adult poplar tree after all. A kick, stomp, or bite could easily prove fatal, especially if unburdened.

I have also noted that we sell a starter kit of food-related herbs which my research shows is popular among those who raise Fluffies for food to grow their own eventual seasoning. I chose not to do any further research on the subject as the idea sickens me for a multitude of reasons, though I do note that we do not advertise this as the intended use. Advertising shows a family of Besus at a table full of cooked vegetables with the patriarch seasoning it using herbs from the matriarch’s back a la Norman Rockwell.

At present this is all the information I can assemble. I eagerly await additional clearances in order to access the legal documentation and tax returns.

-Michael Holson, Acct.

P.S. Please let me know of I can keep the Shroom Fluffy. She is technically borrowed still.

Gardenfluffs Theme Week


I couldn’t figure out a way to make Foals growing out of them like fruit, or being buried, make sense. I picture them as living flower pots.

That said, I left R&D as working on some crazy shit. Cottonfluffies maybe.


You mentioned it as kind of an afterthought, but your “Fluffsaurus” line sounds really neat. I’d love to see and own one.