The Tale Of Giovanni Rossi Or: How I learned To Stop Worrying And Love Being Reincarnated As A Fluffy Chapter 2 part 2 There Will Be Blood (FluffySadist)

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“What dah fuck am ‘ou tawkin’ about!” WHAT THE FUCK WAS HE TALKING ABOUT! I begin walking backwards to the door as the puffy slowly began walking towards me, and as I did I felt something behind me so turning back I saw a black alicorn stallion blocking the door. And just as I did I could see the puffies shadow behind me so with a duck and a swoop I was able to get out of the way looking I could start to see several other fluffies coming out of the shadows and the puffy speak. “You really don’t know? Forgotten about me already! It’s me dad You’re son Louis!” THE HELL… That was impossible! He was in LA right now how could he be here! I speak. “Who dah heww towd 'ou about my son! am wying!” The puffy comes closer and speaks “Really Giovanni? You really think you were the only one reincarnated as a retarded biotoy? When I was human I was living in LA took to big of a dose and ended up dying. When I did I ended up back here in Miami back to you and someone who you probably already forgotten someone who burned you’re warehouse. Starting to understand?” Holy shit he is my son I speak my mind only focused on my son and not the warehouse. “Ugh Wouis? it’s been a wong time…” “Yeah… Everyone Grab him! She want’s to see him in person!”

Who the hell was! ‘She’ I had just started to wrap my head around the warehouse part as the fluffies under Louis’s command all started to run at me I knew I had to be fast if I was going to make it out of here. The first fluffy to attack me was pretty sloppy so I was able to dodge his first punch and attack back giving a strong uppercut knocking him back and causing him to vomit and collapse. The next fluffy to attack me saw how I handle the first guy and was a lot more hesitant trying to shield his face as he attacked. He was able to hit me a few times with it not hurting as bad as I thought with the fluffies inexperience being obvious so grabbing him by the neck and I started to run over to a wall, the fluffy banged his head against it, coughing up blood and with him in a moment of weakness I takes my hooves and begin gouging his eyes out blood starts getting everywhere as the goon speaks “WOWSTEST HUWTIES EBAH!!!” After a few more seconds of this the fluffy becomes unresponsive and removing my hooves there are two large black holes where his eyes used to be.

Looking back at the rest of them, I saw the most had started to run away with them screaming. I saw louis look at me with anger in his eyes as he spoke “Fucking useless henchmen! This is only the beginning Dad we already began taking over you’re turf! Mom will have her revenge!” Mom… LUCIA WAS BEHIND THIS! Louis and the black alicorn begin to run as Louis speaks again “Also I’d think you better start running!” Louis and the alicorn bolt out as I realize what Louis meant… Gas I- I- CAN HEAR GAS! FUCK! I start running looking for Jackie, During the search I felt a little relief with Nathan leaving an hour prior. I go downstairs and with a sigh of relief I see him and as he looks to me he speaks “Boss Jackie think somebody bwoke in! Dewe’s gw-” I grab Jackie he is surprised screaming as I bolt for the door exiting and hiding under the first car I see.

And just them I heard a it… BOOM!!! The entire mansion explodes into a million pieces I could see rubble flying so high it looked like it was launched into space. Jackie is hyperventilating as I just sit barley able to comprehend what just happened I speak. “We nee’ to head to dah safehouse NAO!” The safehouse was located a few miles away, it was a small place where we usefully just kept ‘product’ before it was sold but it might be the only safe place left. Jackie looks at me for a few seconds before nodding. We exit cover and the scene infront of us was pure chaos, fire engulfed everything around us and we could see several fluffies and foals running out of the burning wreak, half mutilated and on fire. As we entered the car we could hear their screams as they died a slow painful death. Once in the car I put in the directions to the safehouse and we were off.

As we were driving to the safehouse I rang Nathan phone to go tell him what has happened and when he picked up he spoke “Hey Dad what’s up?” I speak. “Whewe am 'ou!” Nathan speaks with a tone of shock and confusion “What the hell is going on! I was just looking at some equipment for when we get the new warehouse.” I speak “that mansion has awso buwned down. Dis am tawgeted attack ‘ou nee’ to head to to safehouse!” Nathan speaks with shock and rage “WHAT THE FUCK!” I speak “go dewe nao!” I hang up and speak to Jackie “Jackie my son Wouis he was dewe, weincawnated as puffy! An’ not just that my wife Wucia she’s back she was dah one behind aww of dis!” We had started to approach the safehouse as I said that with Jackie after a few seconds of looking at me exhausted speaks. “Fuck” Fin

Thank you for reading my story! I hope to have the next part done in at least a week. And of course constructive criticism is appreciated.

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I don’t see Gio lasting too much longer. I’m amazed he’s not going to a church. (Given his name, I suspect he’s Catholic.)

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Dog, I love your story, I love the premise, and I think you have a good handle on building a scene with action and momentum.
I’ve read the story so far and I’m into it.

But the text needs editing. There’s editing needed for clarity, pace, grammar, balance, and punctuation conventions. For example, dialogue in double quotation marks should cause a new paragraph, but as always if the same person continues talking don’t close the quote.
Direct verbs are better than intransitive. Shorter sentences. Repeatedly identifying the speaker in a dialogue may not be necessary to . Make sure your verb tenses agree (is it happening in real-time or in the recent past? The narration flip-flops between “I do this and walk here and he says” and then it’s “I saw that and I felt mad and I heard a sound” - so which is it, Now or Then ? It’s important because usually, only survivors can recount a story about what happened to them because they didn’t die in the end, and we want to keep the reader in suspense) Compare the penultimate ppg to this:

As we drove to the safe house, I called Nathan. “Hey, Dad, what’s up?”
“Whewe am 'ou?”
He sounded shocked and confused. “What the hell is going on? I was just looking at some equipment for when we get the new warehouse.”
“That mansion has awso buwned down. Dis am tawgeted attack. ‘Ou nee’ to head to dah safehouse!”
“WHAT THE FUCK!,” he said, enraged.
“Go dewe nao!”
I hung up. “Jackie, my son, Wouis , he was dewe, weincawnated as puffy! An’ not just that…”
We started to approach the safe house. "My wife, Wucia, she’s back. She was dah one behind aww of dis!”
Jackie gave me a long, exhausted look.
“…Fuck. ”

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