Fluffy Killer Business (0.5): A Dirty Job [By BFM101]

Artemis and Taylor were driving back to base when they got the call over their radio, since Taylor was driving, Artemis answered the call.

“This is Huntress, ready to receive orders H.Q.”

There was an exasperated sigh from their boss Bryan on the other end. “Dammit Art, I told you to knock that shite off.”

Artemis chuckled. “I’m just messing with ya Bry, what’s up?”

“Where yoose two at?”

“Just passed Mayclore avenue, about 10, 15 minutes out.”

“Leave it for now, got a quick stop for the pair of you. Double-back to NekuChan road and check with the local green-grocer there, guy says he’s got a Smarty problem.”

“Sounds like a day job Bry, I thought you wanted us back post-haste.”

“This is an easy one, small herd, simple scare tactics. You’ll be back within the hour.”

Artemis looked over at Taylor, her partner shrugged his shoulders, not caring either way what they did.

“Alright we’ll check it out, see you in a bit.”

Artemis put down the radio and turned to Taylor. “You know the way?”

“Indeed I do. How you want to handle this?”

“We’ll recon it first, make our decisions from there. Got a few ideas though, if this is a simple scare tactic I say we go with a Topsy-Turvy.”

Taylor grimaced. “Fuck. I was afraid you’d say that. We got any gloves in the back.”

“A couple pairs, enough for YOU to take point.”

Taylor sighed, not enjoying the idea of doing a Topsy-Turvy, it was very effective but it made an awful mess.

“Fuck it, sounds good to me. But you’re driving back after we’re finished.”

“Deal.”

With their plan set, Taylor turned at the next corner and made off for their next job.

As Taylor pulled up outside the grocer store, the problem was immediately obvious. Some poor old man, likely the owner, was trying to shoo away a small herd of about 6 Fluffies with a broom, but even with the swatting away the herd would roll over, dust themselves off and return to their post, demanding to be let in.

At the front of the herd, a yellow unicorn with an orange mane puffed his cheeks. “Dummeh hoomin, Smawty knyo yu hab skettis, gib nyo.”

The owner seethed at the request, likely not the first time he’d heard it. “I told you, I DON’T have any spaghetti, I just have fruit and vegetables.”

“Yu wie, Smawty smeww skettis hewe, gib tu bestesh hewd.”

Artemis and Taylor jumped out of their van, Artemis strolled over to the owner whilst Taylor grabbed some equipment from the back.

“Hey, you seem to have a pest problem.” Artemis smirked.

“You the exterminators?”

“Indeed we are sir, my name is Artemis, that over there is my colleague Taylor.”

“Artemis? Like the…”

“Yes, like the Greek God, and trust me I live up to the name.

“Well I sure hope you do.I keep telling these fucking things…”

“Bad wowdsies, tummeh-babbehs nu wike.” A bloated purple mare peeped up before being comforted by the Smarty, likely her mate.

“…That I don’t have the spaghetti they’re looking for, this is a grocer but they don’t seem to listen.”

“Any idea why they would think you had any?”

The owner sighed. “I ordered a pizza here a couple nights ago, I guess they smelt the tomato sauce and they thought that was spaghetti. Little shits don’t know the difference.”

“They’re Fluffies sir, they don’t know anything.”

“Well they know how to get on my cocking nerves. Look can you just get them away from my store, they’re scaring away my customers.”

“We’ll see what we can do sir, don’t worry.”

Artemis eyed the herd, seeing the yellow Smarty eying her back with a pissed off look on his face, his hoofs still comforting his pregnant mate, and sauntered over to check on Taylor.

“What’s the plan?” He asked as he fixed the thick gloves to his hands.

“I say we stick to the Topsy-Turvy, it’s a small herd, Smarty seems… decent. He’s actively looking out for his pregnant mate so he’s not a complete piece of shit. I think we could do this with minimal bloodshed.”

“You want me the grab him now, get it over with.”

Artemis shook her head. “Nah, stand by though, I’ll try reasoning with him and the minute he mentions ‘Sorry-Poopies’, you jump in.”

Taylor chuckled. “Did you just say…?”

“Yes I just said I was going to reason with a Fluffy, I don’t expect it to work but I’d rather try all options we had first.”

Artemis turned back to the herd, Taylor standing just behind her, she looked down at the yellow Smarty and smiled.

“Hi, you must be the man in charge.”

“Am Smarty, dis am Smawty hewd. Hoomins hab sketti?”

“Nope, no spaghetti here. You should try somewhere else.”

“NU!” Smarty stamped his hoof to emphasise his point. “Smawty smeww skettis hewe, dummeh hoomins wye.”

“That was a few bright-times ago, that spaghetti is all gone, none left. But hey, fruits and vegetables are tasty AND will help your babies grow big and strong, what’s say me and my partner buy you some for your herd and you leave this poor man alone.”

Yellow Smarty pondered for a moment they had been at this door all day and getting nowhere, maybe it was time to leave it.

But then again, sketti.

“Nu, Smawty wan skettis, make bestesh miwkies fow bestesh hewd. Babbehs be big an stwong wike daddeh.”

There was a small cheer among the herd and the purple mare cooed at her mate’s bravery.

Artemis sighed. “Look, you’re not getting anything here, I’ve tried to be nice but you won’t listen to me. So now you have to leave, or you won’t like what comes next.”

“Smawty nu scawed of dummeh hoomins, take sowwy-poopi…”

The moment Yellow Smarty had turned round to face his ass as Artemis, Taylor had grabbed him by the waist and lifted him up, holding the Smarty upside down so his shit stained backside was pointing straight up.

“NNNGGGHHH! Wet gu, Smawty nu wike, fings aww wong way.”

“Try and sorry-poopies us now you little prick.” Taylor spat at the obnoxious stallion.

Right on cue, Yellow Smarty tensed his bowels and unleashed a spray of sorry-poopies. The stream went straight up, some of it splashing towards Taylor and Artemis who instantly covered their faces, but most of it just flying up into the air.

Where gravity bright it straight back down onto the Smarty’s defenceless body.

“NUUUU!!!” Yellow Smarty screeched as he felt his bright yellow body smothered by his own spray of shit. “NU FEEW PWETTY, NU WIKE!”

Taylor dropped the Smarty back onto the ground, making sure to roll him through more of his shit that had landed on the pavement. The Smarty gagged as his senses were assaulted by the rancid mess, his own rancid mess, that now covered his body.

He turned to his herd, tears in his eyes as he tried to approach them.

“Fwiends, Smawty hab wowstesh huwties, need huggies.”

“Stay way.” A blue earthie stallion kicked at his former leader. “Yu nu smell pwetty, yu poopie Fwuffy.”

“NU!, Nu am stiww Smawty, pweae fwiends, Smawty nu wike nu smeww pwetties.”

“Yu am poopie Fwuffy.” The purple mare hissed at her mate. “Speciaw-fwiend nu wub yu nu mowe.”

The herd turned away from their shit-stained leader and toddled off, looking for somewhere that didn’t stink of shit. The Yellow Smarty watched in horror as his friends and his mate abandoned him.

“SWOW DOWN, SMAWTY NEED HUGGIES, NU WAN BE POOPIE FWUFFY! FWIENDS COME BAK!”

Artemis and Taylor watched the herd and their abandoned leader turn the corner and disappear out of sight.

“You think that was too cruel?” Taylor asked, taking the dirty glove off his arm and throwing it in the bin.”

“Nah, the shit’s mostly liquid anyway so it’ll wash off easily enough. He’ll find a place in the herd again but he won’t be the Smarty anymore. And if I’m wrong, fuck him.”

The two of them turned to the shop owner gagging slightly at the stench.

“Well… that was effective.”

Artemis laughed. “It should keep them away, the smell of bad poopies will over power the smell of tomato sauce. Fluffies might be dumber than a bag of hammers but they’ll learn from bad experiences. The smell should disapate after a couple days, if you’re gonna wash it off I’d recommend something citrus based, nothing cuts through that stink quicker.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

Artemis and the owner quickly worked out the payment details before she and Taylor jumped back into the van, Artemis taking the driver’s seat this time. She looked over at Taylor, giggling at him smothering his hands in sanitizer and cleaning them of whatever minor amount of shit had been left on them.

“It’s a dirty job.” She chuckled out. “But someone’s gotta do it.”

“Yeah… why the fuck was it me?”

Artemis didn’t answer, she simply started the van and set off back towards their base, wondering what this new Mongola recruit would be like.

Although she made sure to roll the windows down before they got moving.

(1): The F.N.G. Part 1

35 Likes

Impressive display of work ethics and quick problem solving. Without violence, to boot?

I’d hire these guys.

3 Likes

Artemis and Taylor aren’t opposed to killing Fluffies, but they need to be paid to cover the biowaste cost.

Small jobs like these are easy money, and it keeps their hands clean. Relatively speaking.

3 Likes

Which is fair, considering their job.

I’d be far more irked if they were unwilling to terminate potentially hostile fluffies, only shooing them away, so that they might hurt domestic fluffies or (in my HC, at least) other small pets.

2 Likes

There is very much a double-edged sword when it comes to this line of work, and I’ll try to go deeper into it once this series gets going. Essentially though it comes down to the right paperwork.

Takes this situation for example, this was billed as a simple removal job, however if Artemis noticed that the Smarty was far more aggressive or even dangerous, she would’ve offered the owner a Rehousing Option, which would involve gathering the Smarty and his herd and transferring them to a shelter. This would be more expensive than a removal due to the cost of equipment and labour, but not as expensive as a Kill Job.

Had the owner refused to pay for a Rehousing, then Artemis and Taylor would do the job they were paid for and leave it at that. Rules are sadly rules and that will bite them in the ass later on in the series.

3 Likes

Intriguing.

But highly disturbing.

(Small meme there, 10 cookies if you get the ref)

2 Likes

“Fwuffy Wub moist tow-wettes. Dey feew GWOWIOUS on Fwuffy sweet poopie-pwace.”

EDIT

Fuck, thought of a better one.

“Wepowt tu da shipies immediatewy. We’ll enf, ok?”

4 Likes

I love how fluffies will stop loving each other for the smallest things. It’s hilarious.

2 Likes

Fruits and veggies? That sketti ingredients. Fluffies need to wise up.

3 Likes

Nice simple way giving the smarty hid own shit! :rofl:

Funny how dumb not listening to reason and how his mate just off him fo smellin like shit

Loving this, ohh they gonna met jonathan soon.

3 Likes