Artemis Jackson was broken out of her mindless thinking by the van door slamming shut, she looked over and saw her co-worker Taylor Harrison ticking off the paperwork as he done a thousand times before.
Soon it would be her moment to shine.
“You ok?” Taylor asked, glancing over from his paperwork.
“Hmm, yeah. I was just miles away, somewhere better than this dank-ass alleyway.”
“Oh come on now Art, these dank-ass alleyways are our bread and butter, not every call is going to be a Smarty Herd invading some C.E.O.’s lawn. Besides, this is a simple job; catch, cut and release, we’ve done this a million times.”
“Yeah, and we’ll do it a million more before I hang myself in this van. Fuck it, what’s the sit-rep?”
“Big family, seven in total; dad’s a unicorn, orange, mum’s a Pegasus, yellow. Five foals, all still weanlings, some light walking but no talking and none opened their eyes yet. Good news, no best baby bullshit, at least as far as I could tell, bad news… they’ve got a poopie foal.”
Taylor saw something furious flash across Artemis’ eyes, but only for a moment before she took a deep breath and it was gone.
“Ok, do we know the sexes of the foals?”
“Uh… let’s see… three colts, two fillies, brown one’s a colt.”
“Any Alicorns or patterns we need to look out for?”
“None that I could see, just bog-standard stuff. Didn’t see any collars on them either before you ask.”
“Ok, I’ll see you in a moment.”
Artemis gathered her tools and climbed out of the van, making sure to zip up her moss green jumpsuit, partly because it was required as part of the job so as to avoid any splashback from the exterminations, mostly it was to switch herself into character and make what came next a little easier to handle.
She strolled down the alleyway, easily spotting the Fluffy family exactly where Taylor said they would be, their bright colours giving them no protection in the wet greys and browns of the alleyway. As she got closer, Artemis saw the four favoured foals sitting around their mother, two of them feeding from her teats, two coddled in her arms as she swayed back and forth singing her off-key mummah song, all while dad gathered up newspapers and cardboard to make a warm nest.
It would’ve almost looked sweet if Artemis didn’t know about the poopie foal, even now she could just barely make him out, dark brown fluff contrasted against the light brown cardboard floor just fine but he was almost hidden by the mountain of shit around him. If Artemis didn’t know to look for him, she could’ve easily missed him.
She got closer than she expected to the Fluffies before an errant puddle alerted them to her arrival, the orange father immediately took a defensive stance in front of his mate until he saw it was a human and instantly he softened up.
“Hewwo nice wady. Am Coopa, dis am speciaw-fwiend Sun-ee an dese am babbehs. Dey pwettiesh babbehs eba, du nice wady wan be nyu mummah, gib Coopa an famiwy wawm homesie an nummies.”
Artemis smiled at Cooper, his sales pitch was absolute shite but he had enthusiasm. She knelt down and softly stroked his mane.
“Oh, I’m sorry Cooper, I’m not looking to take any Fluffies home. I’ve actually come with bad news.”
“Oh nu.” Sunny exclaimed, pulling her foals closer to her. “Nu wike bad newsies.”
“Neither do I, but I have to tell you for the safety of you and your family. You see, there are too many Fluffies in the world, and I’ve been sent to do something about it.”
Cooper was aghast. “Tuu many Fwuffies. Bu Fwuffies am fow huggies an wub, nu can hab tuu much wub.”
Artemis bit her tongue to keep from bringing up Cooper’s discarded brown son and kept up with her spiel.
“I know Cooper, but I’ve been told there are too many and I think you would agree with me, I bet you’ve both been having trouble finding food, haven’t you?”
Cooper dropped his head in shame. “It twue, Coopa nu find wots of nummies fow speciaw-fwiend an babbehs, can onwy gib dem wittew miwkies.”
As if proving his point, Sunny pulled her two feeding foals from her teats and replaced them with the other two, the two fed foals instantly started crying and waving their stubby little limbs in search of more milk until their mother soothingly rocked them back and forth.
Neither of them made any attempt to console the weeping and shit-covered brown colt.
“Wha nice wady du tu hewp Fwuffies?”
“Well there’s good news and there’s bad news. The bad news is, my boss, my human Smarty, has told me I need to give any Fluffy I see forever sleepies.”
“NU!”
Cooper and Sunny were instantly entwined, both of them reduced to blubbering messes at the thought of death. Their weanling foals also cried out in fear and pain, though Artemis noted that the parents were too busy consoling each other to notice their children.
“Pwease nice wady.” Cooper managed to sob out. “Coopa wub famiwy, nu wan dem gu foweba sweepies.”
“I understand Cooper, which is why I have good news as well. I’ve found a way to stop there being more Fluffies without anyone having to go forever sleepies. It’s still mean though, but you and you’re children will still be happy together.”
“Wha nice wady du, Fwuffies du aneefing nu gu foweba sweepies.” Sunny blubbered as she pulled Cooper closer to her, still ignoring her crying foals.
“Well… I could make it so that none of your foals could have babies.”
“WHA?! Bu babbehs am bestesh find eba, Sun-ee owd mummah nu undastan dat su Sun-ee wun way, an hab babbehs. Wai wady wan babbehs nu tu hab own babbehs?”
Suddenly seeing Sunny as a coddled, bratty runaway made a lot of sense to Artemis, too baby-crazy to listen to reason. Not that Fluffies were any good at reason to begin with.
“I don’t want to hurt your babies Sunny, but taking away their lumps and their baby places is the only way we can make sure there’s enough food for everyone and nobody has to go forever sleepies. Besides think of it like this, YOU’RE already a mummah, you have your babies, even if I make it so they can’t have babies of their own, nothing will take away from you being a mummah.”
Sunny pondered for a moment, still unsure until she looked at her chirping foals and gathered them up, settling them between her legs.
“If Sun-ee stiww be mummah den wady can make babbehs nu hab own babbehs, Sun-ee stiww am mummah, dat mos impowtant. Bu du on poopie babbeh fiwst, su Sun-ee see wha wady du tu babbehs.”
Right on cue, Cooper fished his brown son out of the shit pile he’d been left in and kicked him over to Artemis. The poor little thing was screaming for comfort, for sustenance, and receiving none.
“Why has he been left in the poopie place?” Artemis asked as neutrally as she could manage, hoping one of them would explain they had to give up one foal to have enough milk for the others.
“Dat am ugwy babbehs.” Sunny spoke with almost a sense of pride. “Sun-ee nu gib wub ow miwkies tu ugwy babbeh, onwy bestesh pwetty babbehs git miwkies an wub.”
“He’s the same colour as me, am I ugly?”
Cooper laughed at that. “Heheh, siwwy wady. Yu am pwetty, wike choc-o-wate. Babbeh am ugwy, wike poopies. Nu wook da same.”
Artemis had seen this before, to Fluffies, any brown Fluffy was poopie coloured but any black human, even if their skin was near identical to a shade of brown Fluff, was still as pretty and as lovely as Fluffies believed humans to be. Whether it was an intentional design decision to avoid racist accusation from Hasbio or if the Fluffies love of humans override their dislike of ‘ugly’ colours was hard to say, but Artemis had never seen a Fluffy insult a human’s skin colour.
She’d seen one the N word for his name, but that was some asshole fratboys mistaking edgelord bullshit for humour.
“You know what, why don’t I take him with me and get rid of him personally, don’t want to scare your pretty foals with seeing a poopie go forever sleepies.”
“Hmmm, ok, Sun-ee fink dat gud. Hab udda babbeh tu wet Sun-ee see wha wady du.”
As Sunny pushed out one of the other colts – Artemis noted again his yellow coat was on the dull side – Artemis quickly pockets the brown colt and let him attach to a faux teat she had stitched into the lining of her jumpsuit before picking up the yellow colt.
Artemis then pulled up a very small but very sharp switchblade from her other pocket and swiftly sliced off the colt’s testicles, being very careful not to damage his penis. Naturally the colt started screeching in confusion and agony, but a quick dab of healing gel and a return to his parents and he calmed down.
“See, like nothing ever happened. After a few days, he won’t even know what happened to him.”
“Coopa nu wike dis, bu nu wan famiwy gu foweba sweepies, if nice wady say dis am onwy way, den Coopa wet wady take babbeh wumps.”
Artemis quickly repeated the process with the second colt, a more reddish colour than orange, then took the two fillies, one bright orange, the other slightly more peachy, and slipped a syringe filled with chemicals into their special-places. Both of them screamed like banshees as their most sensitive areas were burnt away, Artemis didn’t like spaying fillies but there was no quicker or safer way to prevent pregnancies.
“These two will have hurties for a little while longer, but again just give them love and hugs and they’ll be ok.”
“An dis wiww hewp Fwuffie find mowe nummies?” Cooper asked with a quiver of worry in his voice.
“Maybe not right away, but eventually, yes. Although I suppose there is one thing you could do to help.”
“Wha, Coopa du aneefing.”
“Well, you could give up your lumps?”
Coopers face visibly dropped. “Bu… Coopa need wumps, need tu hab mowe babbehs cos babbehs am bestesh fing, an, an, an… Coopa am stawwion, need wumps su can be stwongesh stawwion an pwotect famiwy.”
“But Cooper, it’s that thinking why I’ve been sent out to give other Fluffies forever sleepies. If you won’t let me take your lumps, then I’ll give to give you forever sleepies, it’s only fair.”
“NUUHUUHUUU! Coopa nu wan gu foweba sweepies, wan stay wiv famiwy, watch babbehs gwow big an stwong. Bu nu wan wose wumps tuu, hab biggesh finkie-pwace huwties.”
Artemis smiled, she had expected this reaction.
“Ok Cooper, since you’ve been so good, I’ll let you in on a little secret. There is a way for you to keep your lumps AND not have to go forever sleepies. But it’s a super secret way and you have to promise not to tell anyone.”
“Coopa pwomise, wha am supa secwet?”
Artemis reached into another pocket and pulled out a piece of thin string. “This, I tie this around your lumps, and it’ll stop your no-no juices from leaving, meaning you can have all the enfies you want and not have to worry about anymore babbehs, and when you’re ready to have more, all you need to do is ask a human to take it off for you. I won’t lie Cooper, it WILL feel uncomfortable for a few bright-times, but after a little while, you won’t even notice it.”
“Sounds nu gud, bu Coopa twust nice wady.”
With no small amount of hesitation, Cooper turned away from Artemis and presented his balls to her. Fighting the temptation to tear them off of him, Artemis tightly tied the strong around the stallion’s lumps, almost instantly their turned pink then red then purple as the bloodflow was cut off.
“Coopa nu wike dis, wumps feew fun-ee.”
“They will for a few days, but like I said it’ll go away eventually. Alright then, that should be everything, thank you for your help and I wish you all a lovely day.”
Cooper and Sunny waved to Artemis as she left out the alleyway’s entrance again, not seeing the smirk on her face as she turned away from them. None of the foals could reproduce now and Cooper’s balls would wither away from bloodloss and drop off within the week meaning no more babies for him. Sunny could still breed but she seemed devoted to Cooper for god knows what reason.
Besides, an 84% success rate was enough for her to live with.
Artemis returned to the van and took the brown colt out of her pocket, the fake teat was a godsend when trying to look after broken or damaged foals. The milk bag attached to the jumpsuit wasn’t technically ‘milk’ so as to avoid it spoiling too fast, but it did the job and the brown colt was content for the first time in his short life.
“Couldn’t leave him could you?” Taylor chuckled at Artemis holding the foals.
“Not with them, no. Starvation would’ve gotten him if infection didn’t first. Figured he’s stand a better chance with us.”
“You know we can’t keep him right, that’s not our job description.”
“I know…”
Artemis moved so fast that the brown foal was already castrated before Taylor even saw the switchblade.
“…Doesn’t mean I can’t give him something better.”
Artemis gently rubbed healing gel onto the brown colt and placed him into an enclosure in the back of the van with a huggy-toy to console him. The little guy gripped tightly onto the toy and started suckling his hoof trying to wish the pain to leave him, like his siblings he would eventually wake up and not have any idea what happened, but unlike them he would be in a no-kill shelter looking for a new home.
“So.” Artemis strained out as she climbed back into the front seat. “Where to next?”
“Back to the office, got word from Bryan there’s a new recruit joining us today, guy called Mongola, Bryan wants us to take him out into the field.”
“Mongola? I thought he was dead.”
“He is, apparently this is his brother. That’s not going to be a problem is it?”
“Depends on him, doesn’t matter where he comes from, so long as he does his job then we’ll be ok. Alright, let’s get this little guy to the shelter, then we’ll head back. I’ll call Bryan and let him know we’re on our way.”
Taylor nodded and started the van, both he and Artemis readied themselves to meet the newest member of their exterminator crew, and both wondering if he would live up to his family name.
This is just a quick little prologue introducing some of Jonathan’s co-workers once I start his exterminator arc. I had to idea first and wanted to fill it out with some new characters. I’ve already got plans in mind for both of them, Artemis especially, so hopefully they can be welcomed into The Mongola Saga.
